385. The Most Important Job in the World: Parenting

Original blog by Marlen Vargas Delrazo.

Here Marlen identifies the ‘missing link’ that parents continue to overlook when raising children. Definitely a must read.

MarlenLife's Blog

El cuarto desnudo/The naked room from AMBULANTE on Vimeo.

“The naked room” shows a whole world without leaving a single space: the examination room in a children’s hospital in Mexico City. Listening to the children, their parents and the doctors during consultations allows us to have a more profound and complex view of our social reality and of human nature.

The Naked Room exposes the complex and hard situations that are the consequence of something as simple as a kid wishing for a more loving brother. Also, the behavior of people with a mental disorder, a condition that always affects the loved ones (sometimes even physically). Ibáñez has not created a documentary to be enjoyed by everybody per se, I mean, we’re dealing with a brutal theme in a very direct way, with no pauses; it’s a constant display of human sadness and mental problems.

It can be easily…

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Does Spanking Result In Respect? – Day 19

Tonight, this photo appeared in my Facebook feed:

1,433,614 people like this.
457,953 shares

Obviously, this statement is a lie – and as with the majority of lies, it is a something that we tell ourselves to feel better about ourselves and something that we’re doing because we are actually aware that we are not responding in the best way.  In this case, the obvious truth is that spanking does not result in a child having respect for others – no, spanking results in a child fearing and being angry with themselves and others.  To prove this, all that one has to do is to go back to when your parents spanked you or if you have forgotten, place yourself in the shoes of the child.  Are you thinking about how you’ve just learned a lesson in Respect? Highly unlikely.

How are you feeling? Shocked? Confused? Dis-empowered? Violated? Scared? Distrustful? Angry?

How many parents stop, ask themselves WHY the child apparently has behavioral and psychological conditions?  Why is the child being accused of being a bully?  Why is the child anxious? Why does the child not listen and follow the parent’s direction? Why does the parent have to coax, plead, beg, yell, threaten and attempt all sorts of ‘tricks’ to get the child moving? Why does the child cry and often scream like they are in actual physical pain?

Why do parents continue to spank the child despite the fact that the child is showing over-and-over-and-over again that the what the parent  thought – what the parent worked out in their mind as the desired result – does not actually work?

And c’mon – spanking didn’t work on us either.  Look around you – look at all the people in this world – the majority of these people were spanked by their parents.  There is no respect here and it’s clear why: we were never taught Self-Respect. How can we respect others if we do not respect ourselves? The reality is that we’ve taught children fear, anger, and distrust – so, within this, the child becomes an adult with fear, anger, and distrust for others and themselves.  Just like us.

Parent or not, there is another pressing point which is the point of consequence.  When messages like this are shared it gives each other the permission to harm a child.  Yes, the message may have been about an act of ‘spanking’ and not all-out-beating, however, out of the 1,433,614 people that liked this, how many do we actually think are not harming nor have the potential of harming a child?  Will they see this message as the ‘go-ahead’?  What about the people that didn’t hit the ‘like’ button when the message was shared 457,953 times?  Who saw that?  What kind of mind is reading that?  Can we say with 100% certainty that a child is not going to be harmed because an adult got it in their mind that spanking a child is okay and teaches respect?  What if the spanking gets out of hand and the adult takes it further to the point of bruises, breaks, hospitalization, or even death?  What if the child does not show respect and the adult hits harder?  I mean, this stuff is really happening in this world and we cannot say, “It’s not my problem.” Because it is. We accepted it, we allowed it, this is our home, these are the people that we share our home with, and this is the home that our children are inheriting.  Why would we NOT make this our problem?

We tend to think that this is about us and only about us when it’s really not.  It’s about all of us and we must consider our responsibility to each other and assist and support each other to develop Self-Respect.  When we no longer accept and allow ourselves to be violated – in any way, including spanking – then we will no longer accept and allow the child or anyone else to be violated.  That’s REAL RESPECT.

My Creation, My Responsibility – Day 18

This blog is Part 2 of self-correction and self-commitment for self-forgiveness on Day 16, I Will Take Everything Away.

Part 1, Parent’s Responsibility To Stop Enslavement – Day 17, is here.

When and as I see myself judging other parents and children that are demonstrating behavior that does not align with what and/or how I have allowed myself to think/believe/imagine the behavior should be, I stop and breath.  I realize that when I engage and/or participate in this judging behavior within myself as inner-dialogue or with others openly, that it is not best for all – no, it is best for me and my self-interest to have a better experience for/as myself by showing myself and/or others that I know what’s best and that I am the better person for it.  Within this realization, I see that it would be best, instead, for me to ‘bring the point back to myself’ and take an honest look at who I am really judging – ME – and seeing that I have demonstrated the exact same behavior that I am now required to take responsibility for and change as MYSELF.

I commit myself to stopping myself from going into judgment of other parents and children by when and as the judgments come up, stopping, breathing, slowing the point down, and instead re-directing myself to utilize the point of judgment as a point that I must take responsibility for my participation within and as – and from here, change myself as who/what I will be when in the same situation occurs again and/or emerges in my own interpersonal interactions and/or experiences.

In addition, I commit myself to question WHY I would allow myself to automatically go into judgment and comparison of myself and others over-and-over again and WHY I allowed it in the first place – how is it benefiting me to do this?  Why do I not change this when the obvious nature of this judgment is not cool and often times evil?

When and as I see myself reacting with anger, frustration, and/or impatience when and as a child is not behaving as per my expectations, I stop and I breath.  I realize that I am attempting to release an accumulation of undirected negative emotional energetic reactions and instead of taking responsibility for these accumulated emotional energies, I am projecting them onto the child – as if it’s their fault and as if they are to blame for me experiencing myself that way that I am.  When in-fact that it is me that has been reacting and me that has allowed this stuff to accumulate within me.  It has nothing to do with the child and everything to do with me – me not living up to my self-expectations to be stable and responsible human being – and because I don’t want to face the truth of myself, I instead expect the child to be stable and take responsibility for the consequences that I created.

I commit myself to stopping myself from attempting to release and/or project my accumulated anger, frustration, and impatience onto/toward a child with the excuse/justification/reason that the child is doing something that does not align with my expectations.  Within this commitment, I will first remind myself that I have done this to myself and that it is not the child’s responsibility to take on my accumulated consequence.  Secondly, I will re-direct myself to take responsibility for myself, as per my own self-expectations, my reactions of anger, frustration, and impatience by writing out my self beliefs/ideas/opinions, writing out my negative emotions, investigating why I have allowed/have not faced my emotions with self-forgiveness, and changing who I am in relation to the events that led up to my accumulated negative emotional energetic reactions with self-correction and self-commitment.

Parent’s Responsibility To Stop Enslavement – Day 17

This blog is Part 1 of self-correction and self-commitment for self-forgiveness on Day 16, I Will Take Everything Away

When and as I see myself attempting to control a child’s behavior by any means necessary, including threatening to take away the things that the child values and/or sees as important, I stop and breath.  I realize that I am imposing my own acceptances and allowances, as a child and as a parent, on to this other child.  I realize that I am forcing the child to conform to my beliefs, imaginations, and what I have allowed to ‘make sense’ in my mind.  I also realize that I am rushing through and/or taking the easy way out of a situation that requires my attention and parental direction.

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to attempt to control a child’s behavior with threatening to take away the things that the child values and/or sees as important by instead breathing, not allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction, and directing the child to also breath, to understand the behavior and how the behavior may not be best, to work out solutions together that benefit everyone, come to an agreement on a solution, and then implement this solution.

When and as I see myself showing a child how to make a relationship connection to an object so that object becomes a source of comfort and happiness for the child, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that it is best to not encourage a child to create a relationship connection to an object – and it’s certainly not best to teach a child that something outside of themselves will make them happy and comforted.  What is best, however, is to teach a child to not require anything outside of themselves for happiness and comfort – and in doing so, I will teach the child self-support and assist them to not be influenced emotionally when/as/if there is a threat that the child’s objects will be taken away, the object breaks, or the object is worn out and unusable.

I commit myself to showing children that an object is simply an object that is here to be utilized for a specific purpose – if it’s a toy we play with it, if it’s a TV we watch it, if it’s a book we read it, if it’s a chair we sit in it, if it’s a cup we drink from it.  Within this, I commit myself to stand as an example by not reacting when an object I use is removed, breaks, and/or is worn-out/unusable – where, I breath and work out a plan to replace the object.

When and as I see myself considering acting in a way that would deliberately deprive a child of something that they value, I stop, I breath, and I do not go there.  Instead, I allow myself to use my imagination to place myself in the shoes of the child and ask myself: How do I experience myself when and as someone acts in a way that deliberately deprives me of something that I have placed value, is supportive for me and/or is something that I simply enjoy having?  As an adult, what do I see when myself or another is deliberately controlled by deprivation?

I commit myself to stop deliberately depriving children of something they value as to control the child by reminding myself that this enslaves a child and the product of this is a child that accepts enslavement and will grow into an adult that will be enslaved, enslaves others, and teaches their children how to enslave.

I Will Take Everything Away – Day 16

“When your child starts to misbehave, deprive him of something he values. “Take away his toys, take away his covers, take away his blanket,” Dr. Phil advises. “Whatever his currency is, he needs to know, When I do A, I lose B.’ Take it away, and he doesn’t see it again … Make a ceremony out of it. On Saturday, take it to the shelter and give it to the poor children.” Once you understand what your child values, and you control the currency, then you shape the child.” – Dr. Phil, Advice For Getting Your Child To Do Anything

Shock

Photographer Jill Greenberg’s latest exhibition, “End Times,” features children crying – like the child seen here in ‘Shock.’ The children are provoked by Greenberg taking away their candy or toys. This technique is known as “manipulation.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that a parent must have control of their child’s behavior – by any means necessary including threatening to take away the things the child values and/or the child sees as important.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I would like a child to be/behave.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my mind-imaginations on to a living, physical being – a child.  And in my attempt to make my imaginations real, I use any means necessary including taking away or threatening to take away real physical objects that a child plays with, interacts with, and enjoys.  In fact, I take away the things that I have encouraged the child to attach a relationship connection to.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to place myself in the shoes of the child.  How would I experience myself if someone outside of myself deliberately deprived me of something I have and value in order to control me and get me to do what they want?  This is blackmail.  This is enslavement. I am doing it and I am teaching the child to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other parents and children who aren’t demonstrating behaviors and/or discipline that is aligned with how I think they they should be.  When I pick people apart like this and have a dialogue with my self or others about this, I am doing it so that I can feel better about myself.  Yes, I bring others down so that I can be up.  See, most of the time I am judging myself harshly – comparing myself to others and seeing myself as inferior.  Instead of questioning why I do this, I continue to criticize myself and others up in my mind over-and-over-and-over again.  Even further, I do not question where these judgments came from and why I accepted them in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear, anger, frustration, and/or impatience when and as a child is not behaving as per my expectations.  I have allowed negative emotions to accumulate within and as me and have attempted to suppress/ignore the emotions rather than investigate, release, and change who I am throughout my daily experiences.  So, these little things that I do not deal with accumulate into things that are much bigger and because I have not taken responsibility for myself and refuse to do so, I blame how I am experiencing myself on the child that is apparently misbehaving, take it out on them, and expect the child to be stable for me so that I do not have to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed to see, realize, and understand that taking away what a child values – that which I have encouraged them to attach a relationship connection of happiness to – is evil.  It is abusive because it is deliberately manipulating and harming another for my own fear self-interests that I refuse to take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I have deliberately manipulated and harmed many others that I have or have had relationships with where I threaten to take away the things that are important, have meaning, and/or are of value to them.  And just as I attempt to control children and expect them to change so that I do not have to, I attempt to control others and expect them to change as per my unreal, imaginations in my mind that benefit me only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry with parents who are too harsh on their children and threaten to and/or actually take away the things that their children value as a way to control the child’s behavior.  In my mind, I wish ‘bad things’ on these parents and blame them for children’s problems and the problems in the world.  What I do not hear is that I am in-fact communicating to myself about myself: I do exactly the same thing and that I am angry with myself about it.  I do not hear this because I don’t want to and it’s easier to simply place my blame and project my anger on someone else rather than facing myself, taking responsibility for myself, and changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that by allowing myself to believe, follow, and enforce the taking away of a what a child values, which is their currency,  if they do not submit, is teaching the child to be completely controlled by money/currency/possessions.  I am raising the child to not allow themselves to express themselves, to not communicate what the problem is, to not work on solutions that all can agree upon, to be submissive, and integrate themselves into the system – or else — Or else their money, their currency, their possessions, and the other things that they value will be taken from them and they will have nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and enslaved by money, currency, and the things that I value that are obtained with money/currency.  Instead of questioning this control and enslavement and what events in my life lead to my acceptance and allowance of this control and enslavement via money/currency, I simply make sure that I follow the rules, do as I am told, and behave – I mean, as long as I’m being ‘good’ and am willing to work for it, I can have anything I want.  Within this, I am in no position to stand as an example for a young mind and I am certainly in no position to be responsible for that life because as long as I am influenced by my self-interested fears and enforcing my mind on my external reality, I cannot be trusted to make decisions that are best for the child or anyone else.

Because. That’s Why. Day 15

Today I was reading a blog and the author brought up an interesting point:

“I mean, how many times have you heard parents answering the child’s genuine question “Why?” with the words “just because” / “because! (with high pitch sound) / “because this is what it is” / “because this is how it works” and the most famous one: “Because I said so”.

How many parents do you know that actually take the time to explain the child the exact mechanics, relationships and the time lines involves within the child’s questions? How many parents actually considered the child’s ability to understand a point so specifically despite of their young age and lack of experience in life?
How many parents justified for themselves that there is no point in explaining the nitty gritty details to the child because the child would not be able to comprehend it anyway?”

From what I have observed, almost every parent does this. So the question is: WHY?  And the answer is: Not simply BECAUSE.  There’s actual explanations of WHY this is happening and it all starts with the parents.

The Problem:

Often times a child asks the parent questions about how the world works are within this they will repeatedly ask ‘why’ – this is not a question without purpose as the child is actually wanting to learn how their world and everything within it works.  Sometimes the parent will answer the questions, sometimes the parent will work with the child to investigate the answers, and sometimes the parent will say, “Because.”  The answer, “Because,” is the problem here.  I have observed parents answering, “Because,” when: The parent is distracted, the parent is doing something that they do not want to stop doing, the parent is doing something that they can’t, for some reason, stop doing to answer a question, the parent literally does not hear the child and their automatic programmed response to the Word, ‘Why’ is with the Word, ‘Because’, or the parent does not know the answer and says, “Because! That’s why. That’s all you need to know.”

I say this problem begins with the parent as the parent of the child asking WHY was once the child asking WHY of their parents and they got the same BECAUSE answer.  Another point to consider is that in Crisis Intervention training we were told specifically to not ask, “Why?” and to instead ask, “How come?” as a person’s immediate response to the Word WHY is ‘because’ and from here, the person shuts down and usually will stop communication. We were told that the reason for this is goes back to childhood to when and as the parent would ask the child, “WHY did you do this?” and as a child they did not have an answer, reason, nor the vocabulary to explain to the parent why they did what they did and aware that they were in trouble and that they had no choice but  to say something so they answer with, “Because …”

So, has the Word BECAUSE has become an expression of: I don’t know the answer and I fear that?  Do we become paranoid when we hear the Word WHY? What happens when we hear the Word WHY?  We react because in our minds we have associated the Word WHY to past memories or experiences that may have been uncomfortable or even traumatic. We will dismiss the Word WHY, try to separate ourselves from the Word as quickly as possible, we become frustrated with the Word, and/or we will just not hear the Word WHY at all.

The Solution

Instead of answering, “Because,” when a child asks, “Why?”, answer the question.  When and as we aren’t certain about the answer, research for the answer with the child.  The child will then associate the Word WHY will research, investigation, and finding answers for questions that aren’t yet defined or explainable.  If we are busy or have our attention focused on something of importance at that moment, simply set a time for when the question can be researched and/or answered to the best of our ability. When making a decision of whether or not to stop what you’re doing to answer a question or not, suggest to see:  We have a small amount of time within which to educate our children and an even smaller amount of time to assist a child with living expressions of Words.  The time goes by quickly and when it’s done, it’s done – there’s no going back.

The Reward

The child will be less-likely to react to the Word WHY in a way that is not best for them and instead they will come to live the Word WHY as a cool and fun expression of finding the answers.  The child will be better equipped for assistance and support when and as they are on their own in the world as they will have the tools for self-support and not react to the trigger Word WHY from others who may be assisting them with points in their life.  The parent in the child will establish an actual relationship of trust with themselves and each other as we give as we would like to be given and work together to find out how this world functions, why things work the way they do, and look at, discuss, and continue to ask questions about how we can improve upon what’s here.

One Anger, One Choice – Day 14

Here concluding Self-Correction and Self-Commitment statements for How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1. See Days 213 for previous Writings, Self-Forgiveness, Self-Correction, and Self-Commitment.

When and as I see that I am angry, I stop – I see, realize, and understand that I am in-fact angry at myself and that this self-anger is a consequence of me not being self-honest. Instead of allowing myself to project, suppress, run away from, hide from, ignore, push away and/or get caught up in my mind with my anger and backchat, I breath and allow myself to investigate the core/source/origin of my anger.

When and as I see that I resist facing my anger, I remind myself that I am going to experience this anger – one way or another – so, I take the opportunity to face my anger here: moment-to-moment in breath.

I commit myself to remind myself that there exists only ONE kind of Anger – Anger at Myself. Within reminding myself of this, I will better assist and support myself in bringing the points of anger back to myself and not allow myself to separate myself from my anger.

I commit myself to stopping my anger and myself from accumulating suppressed anger by establishing a relationship of self-honesty with myself. I allow myself to experience my anger that emerges within and as me and face my self-dishonesty with the tools of writing and self-forgiveness — and then, self-correct myself with/as/to self-honesty and commit myself to change so that I never again accept and allow myself to live in a way that is not aligned with who/what I really am and/or is best for me to be.

When and as I see that I am faced with anger, I allow myself to stop, breath, and ask myself: Why am I angry? Where did this anger start? Which points in my world have I not been honest with myself in relation to this anger?

I commit myself to, when angry, breathing, slowing myself, and asking myself, “WHY am I angry? WHERE did this anger start? WHICH POINTS in my world have I not been honest with myself about?” As this will assist and support me within my investigation of myself, my self-forgiveness process, and my commitment to stopping myself from existing within and as anger and suppressed anger.

I commit myself to no longer attempt force another to experience my anger so that I do not have to – within this, I remind myself that when another is directing their anger at me to not take it personal as this will assist and support me in stopping myself from directing my anger at another, separating myself from myself, and participating-in/creating unnecessary conflict.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to express my anger/outrage within a fight, battle, and or competition with another – I allow myself to breath, not become angry, not participate in the fight/battle/competition game and to wait it out until the energy runs out.

When and as I see that I am allowing fear, guilt, shame, sadness, regret, distrust, not being good enough, and inferiority to in a moment change how I direct my living, I stop. I assist and support myself to release myself from fear, guilt, shame, sadness, regret, distrust, not being good enough, and inferiority, with self-forgiveness so that I can transform myself and no longer accept and allow myself as having limited potential as a human being. I see, realize, and understand that these thoughts, emotions, and backchat are the core/source/origin point of my self-dishonesty and so my anger – I allow myself to take the opportunity to no longer accept and allow this self-dishonesty to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to allowing myself to see, realize, and understand where/how I have been accepting and allowing myself to exist as fear, guilt, shame, sadness, regret, distrust, not being good enough, inferiority, and other dishonesties. I allow myself to realize that there could be better existence for me by reminding myself that I can no longer accept that I have limited potential as a human being and that I can transform myself – I have the tools, I have support, and I have physical time.

I commit myself to no longer accept the idea/belief that I am separate from what exists. I allow myself to educate myself, align myself with what is here, and self-forgive myself for everything.

I commit myself to removing the values I’ve placed on myself, my self-interest and what exists in the world with investigation, writing, and self-forgiveness. With self-correction and self-commitment, I work on replacing my previous/current value system with the value of life equal.

Allowing Myself to Care For and Serve Life – Day 13

In this post I am continuing with the  Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements from where I left off on How To Start Releasing Myself From Conflict – Day 12.

Photo: http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-259-give-happiness-get-happiness.html

When and as I see that I am acting on my fear of failure as a parent as indicated by me thinking, “I can’t be a good parent. I can’t do this. I won’t do this. I’m not good enough.” And by me going into the opposite polarity where I see that I have something to prove and so I push myself and I push my child – I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this creates a battle within myself and without with my child and keeps us from enjoying each other and our lives together here. The conflict and battles are unnecessary and change nothing. When and as other points within my fear of failure as a parent emerge, I self-forgive myself to release myself from the fear and instead of allowing us to live as I have been taught and/or how we have been living in the past, I look for the best possible ways for us to have a cool life together, apply, keep what is good and get rid of the bad.

I commit myself to stop accepting the thought, “I can’t be a good parent. I can’t do this. I won’t do this,” by reminding myself that this is a response to me trying to come up with a solution in my mind and within this because I do not have a solution readily available within my memory, I panic, and immediately define this not being aware, not being educated, and/or being a failure. Instead of allowing myself to give up, I say, “No. Stop. I will not give up,” and then move myself to get support and perspectives from others that may have a solution that I had not considered.

I commit myself to no longer ‘battle it out’ with my child by reminding myself that when and as I allow myself to do this, I am missing me, missing the child, missing an opportunity to improve our living and our time here together. And, again, as points come up that I see that I’m reacting to and battling within and as myself with, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application statements.

I commit myself to stop expressing and living the belief that this is ‘my life’ and that I must have ‘my time‘ – instead I by change my living to be an expression of myself in service to life with what time that I have here. To assist and support myself with this commitment to change, I use the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to remove/release my backchat and then self-correction and self-commitment as the ways that I must change in order to be a caring and humble human being.

When and as I see/feel/experience myself mentally and physically reacting to words, I breath and observe how this changes me from moment-to-moment so that I can ask for perspective, get support, and better understand the experience so that I can see where I require self-support.

I commit myself to stopping myself from reacting to my child and others Words by breathing, allowing myself to slow down so that I can identify the hows, whens, whys, and wheres of my reactions, and applying self-forgiveness.

How To Start Releasing Myself From Conflict – Day 12

This post is a continuation of Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements from How To Prevent Myself From Getting Angry At My Child – Day 8 How To Stop Beating Up On Myself – Day 9 , How To Stop Parental Guilt – Day 10 and How To Self-Support For Anger – Day 11.

See How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1 for the Writing Myself Out part of this point and Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2 through War Within War Without – Day 7 for my Self-Forgiveness process.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing my fear of loss of a child, the loss of a child’s innocence, and/or ‘messing them up’ as indicated by my backchat, “I’m doing this wrong. I’m going to mess them up. I made a wrong decision to bring life into this world …” I stop. I see, realize and understand that, again, this fear exists within myself as my mind only where I accept and allow myself to participate in the fear and become possessed which is all self-dishonest – this is who I have accepted and allowed myself to be which is in direct conflict of what is best for me to be – so, here I remind myself that I must release myself from these fears and then direct myself to assist and support myself with releasing myself with self-forgiveness, self-correction and living application that is aligned with who/what I actually see my potential as being.

I commit myself stopping accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in guilt and participating in my mind with thoughts that I’m ‘doing this wrong’, ‘going to mess this up’, and I ‘made the wrong decision to bring life into this world’. Instead of getting caught in this self-defeating trap, I find self-honest ways of doing and changing things in my environment that are aligned with the outcome/beingness that I want to be living and apply, stand as an example, and gently direct others during moments when I see it will be effective.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing the fear that I’m going to ‘mess up a child’ by releasing myself from my fears with self-forgiveness and ‘raising’ myself and child in a way that is best with self-honesty and with the purpose of developing integrity.

Additionally, I commit myself to reminding myself that my fear of losing a child and messing them up are not real and that these fears exist within myself as my mind only.

When and as I see that I am setting myself up for failure as a parent as indicated by me fearing, worrying, and/or becoming anxious about ‘what others think’ of what/how I am directing myself as a parent, I stop. In this moment instead of participating and allowing myself to go into the backchat of what I tell myself ‘others must or will think of me’, I assist and support myself slow down and self-forgive the points that emerge to assist and support myself to no longer separate myself from others and to prevent myself from accumulating anger.

I commit myself to stopping comparing myself to others, trying to define myself as I have defined others, and forming ideas about others within and as my mind for myself to ‘live up to’ and/or become as myself. I remind myself that this is me distracting myself, separating myself from myself and others, and setting myself up self-disappointment via the unreal ideas and expectations that I have imagined of myself and others within and as my mind. Instead of looking outside of myself for my potential as a parent and a human being, I allow myself to see myself self-honestly and to develop the potential of my inner and outer being that is aligned to me living and making my decisions in a way that is best.

How To Self-Support For Anger – Day 11

Here continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements from How To Prevent Myself From Getting Angry At My Child – Day 8 How To Stop Beating Up On Myself – Day 9 and How To Stop Parental Guilt – Day 10.

See How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1 for the Writing Myself Out part of this point and Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2 through War Within War Without – Day 7 for my Self-Forgiveness process.

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to see myself as lost, hopeless, and/or using the excuse that I ‘don’t know what to do’ by reminding myself that this is what the support system of Desteni is here for – to assist me with points that I may not be seeing, realizing and/or understanding.

When and as I see that I am moving between polarities of Good and Bad as demonstrated by my in one moment seeing a child as bad and in another moment, seeing a child as good and physically showing my reaction to this by demonstrating conflicting signals – I stop. I see, realize, and understand that when I allow myself to change from moment-to-moment depending on what’s happening in my environment where I am reacting rather responding/directing moment-to-moment as/within what is best, that I am projecting myself as an unstable, dishonest, and reactive person that cannot be trusted. Within this seeing of myself, I direct myself to no longer accept and allow myself to react and to instead respond by looking at the problem/situation/experience/event and deciding on an action that is best and then apply it.

I commit myself to no longer reward a child with praise, physical shows of love, and attention only when they do something ‘good’ – and to instead physically show them love, caring, and encouragement as an expression of myself with children.

I commit myself to stopping myself from shifting between personalities as a way to keep a child and my environment under control. I remind myself when and as I begin to experience a conflicting shift, that I will be sending the child and my environment conflicting signals about who/what/where I am and instead, allow myself to stand, breath, not react, and assist and support myself with self-forgiveness and self-correction for the points that emerge that I have not yet investigated when and as I experience the desire to shift personalities.

When and as I see that I am expecting a young person to sort out their anger on their own as indicated by me voicing to them, “You have to sort out your anger on your own,” I stop. I no longer allow myself to do this because it is self-dishonest – I see, realize, and understand two points: One, I cannot expect another to do something/transcend a point that I myself have not done/transcended and two, I have a great amount of support to assist me with sorting out my anger and without this it is unlikely that I would have/will do this without that continued support – within reminding myself of these two points, instead of leaving a child alone to work out their anger/issues/frustrations/experiences, I direct myself to be here with the child and give to them the support that I have been given within my own process of working on sorting out my anger.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to see a child or anyone outside of myself as ‘having the problem’ and to instead see myself within and as the problem, assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction. So, instead of projecting blame/fault onto others, I stand as an example of not limiting myself as a human being and taking responsibility for and directing the problems that I see where I no longer accept and allow the problems to direct me and separate me from myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from expecting others, including a young person,  to sort out their anger – within this, I instead focus on sorting out my own anger and allow myself to be here to support others as they sort out their anger where I give as I have been given. Instead of pawning off my responsibility for myself and others on to others, I assist and support myself and others with the tools that I’ve learned to not react, to not play the game, and to not take it personal. Additionally, I assist and support myself with self-forgiveness and self-correction as I see myself within others expressions of anger.