Your Child Is Attached To You

In response to a recent quote from this blog, it was brought to our attention that it is known what our children need and that Dr. Gabor Mate, physician, best-selling author, renowned thinker and public speaker, formed solutions based on his experience, insight, case histories, and scientific research. The specific link that was shared is entitled, “Hold On To Your Kids” which is a YouTube video of Gabor Mate presenting his solutions within an hour and sixteen minute lecture.

I was able to watch 24 minutes of the video before determining that I had more effective things I could be doing with my time.

First, Dr. Mate shares some insight within communicating to his audience that ‘children speak a different language’ and that this language is expressed through their behavioral, physical, and emotional symptoms. In order to get a complete understanding of what he is saying, he suggested that the audience purchase his book, ‘When The Body Says No’. So, the starting point was clear: This is Dr. Gabor Mate, he’s very well educated, done some cool stuff and is here to sell me a book about it.

Same old stuff. And it occurred to me that this is a precise example of what I was speaking about in the blog prior to this one, No Such Thing As A Perfect Parent when making this point for an Equal Money System: An Equal Money System takes profit out of the problem so that we can get into what’s real and not what’s going to sell books, sell seminars, or make someone famous.

Within the video, Gabor Mate makes it clear, within an uncomfortable yet faked shameless laughter, that his information is for sale.

I did not stop watching here. I wanted to give Dr. Mate and the person who shared the link to Dr. Mate a ‘fair’ amount of my time. After all, if this is what I’ve been looking for and the answer to my question of how we can best support our children, then this is something that I want to learn.

The lecture continued by telling us that our children form’ attachments’ to us and that it’s best to raise a child to form several ‘attachments’ in the event that the child lose a parent and/or ‘attachment’. He said that ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ and made a reference to the ‘tribes in Africa’.

My child is attached to me. Seriously, no kidding. I’ve got the bruises to prove it. And why is it that it always comes back to the ‘tribes in Africa’? Why is it that we use that as an example for how everything is supposed to work in the world? How’s it working out for those tribes over in Africa? Are things going AWESOME for them? Are they raising willful, aware, and responsible beings that are changing the world as a reflection of themselves? Nope. Most of them do not have effective shelter and clothes and they are STARVING to DEATH. It makes sense that if I or my child were struggling to hold onto this life while we are lying in the dirt within dehydration and starvation, that finding and/or being a living solution for the point of effective parenting would not be within my current ability nor consideration.

Let’s consider that there are ‘tribes in Africa’ that are able to sustain themselves and raise their children to be effective beings in their isolated communities. Why aren’t they here, equal with us, within the rest of the world and sharing with us what they have proven ‘works’? Separation and judgement. Those isolated tribes don’t want anything to do with our ‘greedy, exploitative’ behavior and we see ourselves as ‘better’ and ‘civilized’.

When we judge and separate, we lose so much. If we hadn’t allowed ourselves to participate within judgement within seeing ourselves as different, better, or more special than others outside of ourselves, then we would not be here, miserable and struggling to get through our lives. Every and all things here would be provided for and we would have had an opportunity, from the very beginning, to discover ways to better support ourselves, our children, and our world.

We may have even solved the problem of ‘attachment’. And yes, I see ‘attachment’ as a problem as it locks us into a ‘life’ of slavery and/or limitation because of the fear and guilt we experience while within, having, and maintaining that attachment. The abuse that we put ourselves and others through because this program of attachment is extensive. Let’s look at ways of stopping this so that we can enjoy our lives on this planet and with our children, for real and not based on the survival of our attachments or what’s ‘special’ to us.

As for Dr. Mate’s books, lectures, and videos – I’m not spending a dime nor my time within the nurturing of his pocket nor beliefs. Perhaps I will reconsider if he were to come to my home and offer to practically live up to his word by babysitting H for a couple of hours so that I can go watch a movie with my husband.

Be ‘The Tribe’, support an Equal Money System.


No Such Thing As A Perfect Parent

The reality of my daily life is that there is much that I want and need to do: I have a house to clean, meals to prepare, writing that needs to be done, Desteni ‘I’ Process assignments to be completed, and a small child to take care of and educate within all of that.  What happens is that my child becomes an interruption.  He needs something during every moment that I am working to complete the tasks of my day: he’s hungry, he needs his clothes changed, he’s broken something, he’s spilled something, he wants me to participate within his imagination, he wants me to play games with him, he wants to talk, he wants to cuddle, or he wants to do something else that does not include what I’m doing or being quiet and/or content through whatever it is that I must do.  As I write this, he has diverted my attention from this task several times – right now he wants me to make him a bed on the couch and he’s asking me to join him.

Guilt.  “No, H, I really can’t do that right now.  What I need and want to do is to get this done.  When I get this done, we’ll see.” I experience guilt within this statement because I know I need to be setting aside time for him – isn’t that what perfect parents do? Stop everything that they are doing and spend time with their children at the child’s request?  What will happen if I ignore him? Will he feel sad and lonely? To make the situation worse, my child wants to spend every moment with me and is focused on me at all times.

Judgement.  There must be something ‘wrong’ with me because I am unable to do and be everything in every moment.  There are other parents that seem to have everything together.  They’re able to get everything done that must be done and have the capacity to participate within their children’s moment-to-moment lives.  What’s interesting is that I have these thoughts and I ‘see’ these parents within my mind as getting everything done, being perfect, and having great lives as parents but when I look at what real, at what I actually see and hear, there is a much different picture: Perfect Mother A is talking on her phone each time I see her while her children are scrambling around and placing themselves in unsafe conditions, Perfect Mother B wants to take a nap more than anything because she was up all night worrying about how her family is going to make it financially and emotionally in this world – she does not want to do anything with her child because his activity is high and hers needs to be low.  Perfect Mother C threatens her children with spankings and will come after her children in anger if the house isn’t clean when she comes home from work.  I could go on and on.

So why is it that we, as parents or consider being parents, aspire to be a Perfect Parent?  Is it because we know it’s possible? Or is it because we know it’s impossible and we use this point of the impossible to self-sabotage ourselves when we are unable to live up to the expectations we’ve placed before us? Or both?

The truth is that there is no such thing as a Perfect Parent within the system as it currently exists.  We know this.  So let’s look at the Dark-Side of The Fairytale of Parenting.

So within the starting point of the truth that there is no Perfect Parent, let’s consider that it’s impossible.  We’ve seen what our inability to adequately and effectively give to our children all of their needs has resulted in.  We’ve created law-breaking, greedy, self-centered, irresponsible, lying, cheating, raping and murderous beings that are able to justify themselves within their actions and deeds.  Within the impossible, within that which will never change about our parenting with no solutions it would make sense that we simply stop having children and write ourselves out of existence.  For real, we’re doing it anyway – we’re killing each other off and we’re fucking the planet that has assisted, supported, and allowed us to live.

Do we accept this?  Do we accept the limitation that we’ve created amongst the bullshit of guilt and judgement that we’ve allowed ourselves to participate within and thus become?  Or do we stand up and say, ‘From here no further,’ and investigate solutions that will allow for us and our children to continue here on this Earth as responsible human beings?

If we stand up, then we must research what it is, exactly, that our children need to become the perfect human being.  As it is at this moment, we do not know, absolutely and within complete certainty of what it is.  We pick and choose from an uncountable amount of opinionated resources and none of it is working – our children all ‘turn out’ to be the same.  This is proven in the fact that our world has not changed and is not getting ‘better’ but getting ‘worse’ by each passing day.  It makes sense that we don’t see it – we’re caught up within thoughts, feelings, and emotions and we’re distracted by work, all the things that must be done, the events in our world, and the very thing that we ‘work’ so hard for – our children.

This is one of the many reasons that I support an Equal Money System.  Within an Equal Money System we can have the opportunity, for the first time ever, to research and discover what it is that our children need as well as what the parents need that are supporting the children.  An Equal Money System takes profit out of the problem so that we can get into what’s real and not what’s going to sell books, sell seminars, or make someone famous.

Consider this, when you were a child, you trusted that your parents and the adults in your life and within the world would ‘fix’ everything.  Let’s give to our children what we wanted for ourselves. Let’s be the people that our children see us as and make damn sure that they are taken care of in this life.

Starting Point

A blog entitled ‘Honest Parent’ needs some honesty.  This is a great starting point.

I became pregnant with my first child when I was 17 and a junior in high school.  Before I got pregnant, I was already a train-wreck – I was walking reactions and emotions within being lonely, insecure, and trying to piece myself together so that I could place myself in an acceptable place in this world.  A typical teenager, yes, though I was seeing that there were others my age that seemed to have it together, seemed to have the perfect lives, and seemed to have a precise direction with their life.  I could not get there.  And becoming pregnant made this conflict within myself worse – I had totally messed up.  After going through, experiencing, and exhausting all of my options that would release me from my responsibilities to a child, I came to the painful conclusion that I must be this child’s mother and so I took it on.

We aren’t taught how to best take care of a child.  What we learn is through what our parents and others outside of ourselves tell us we ‘should’ be doing.  We grow up watching TV Families and use that as a goal for what we want our families to be because we watch them grow up, we see that what the parent’s are doing is working because the families are close, mostly well-balanced, and even amongst the ‘bad’ stuff that happens to the family, everything always works out for the best in the end.  Hope and Love conquer All.

So here I was.  Young, messed up, and responsible for another life.  I am grateful for my others assistance.  Others helped me out a lot and filled in places in my child’s life within where I was absent.  More on that later.

I read as much as I could on the topic of Parenting, I watched others parents, tried all kinds of different methods, and I had weekly/bi-weekly sessions with a psychotherapist to assist in keeping myself ‘on track’.  I created a structured time with myself and my child.  We did so many great things together.  We pushed through the ‘bad times’.  That’s what family did, right? Push through the bad times because it was all going to work out in the end?

No. Lies.

Truth: What happened, for real, is that my child forgot all of the great and awesome times we had together.  They forgot the laughs, fun, and what a blast we had discovering ourselves together.  In the end, most of what was retained from their childhood was ‘bad memories’.

Looking back over my life, it makes sense.  I did the same thing with my childhood – it was easier, convenient, and a better payoff for me to look at my childhood and see it as being completely wrong rather than remembering those moments when our family experienced true joy together.  If it is during those moments of pure, expressed joy that we can experience who we really are, then how much of myself have I lost?  How much have our children lost and how much will they lose because who we are is lost within thoughts, emotions, and feelings?  How many moments of true joy will we miss out on together, as a family, because we are caught up in ourselves, our thoughts, our reactions, and not present?

At Desteni, we’re learning and applying the tools that can assist us in stopping ourselves from getting caught up in our thoughts and reactions through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.  I’ve been participating in this process for several months and it has been very cool.  I can see my responsibility in what I’ve created – particularly within my relationship with my children.  And I’ve just started to scratch the surface.