The Child Police

Yesterday a woman approached me within frustration, sadness and tiredness as she was looking at point in which she was considering no longer continuing a relationship with her boyfriend because she has been unable to ‘make a connection’ with the boyfriend’s son.  From here, I’ll be referring to her as ‘SH’, provide some background information, and offer a detailed description of how the conversation was directed within a practical, responsible solution.

SH is a divorced mom that lives with her boyfriend – her high school ‘sweetheart’ with whom she reconnected with after her divorce.  The boyfriend has a son who is 13 years old whom he shares custody with his ex-wife.  The boyfriend’s son does not want to participate within the family activities inside nor outside of SH’s home – he prefers to sit at home, within his own space, play video games, stay up all night, and get up late in the day.  SH does not ‘like’ the son’s lifestyle preferences because she sees her lifestyle preference of getting up early, doing something ‘active’, and being with the family as ‘what is right’.  When she forces the son out of his space and makes him participate in family activities, she sees that becomes more and more distant.  Also, when this happens, her boyfriend’s ex-wife will call and communicate anger and disgust at SH’s attempt to ‘make him [the son] do anything that he does not want to do’.

SH is confused and does not understand why it has to be this way as she sees her own son as getting along great with her boyfriend.

SH has been living within this situation for the few months that I have known her and I can see that it’s ‘weighing’ on her within the way that she holds her body in a tired and heavy way.  She is also often lost in thought.  I can relate to and identify this body language clearly within myself because I have been here many times myself where I am at the point of ‘having enough’ and desiring to be done with it all – one way or another.

The solution I communicated to SH was within the starting point of directing oneself back to oneself as this is what has proven to work for me time and time again.  I ask myself questions: Where am I within this? Why, exactly, am I angry at this child?  Why is it that I expect this child to become me and be interested in participating in the same activities as myself?  Why am I blaming this one person for all that is ‘wrong’ in my life?  What is it that I’m not facing about myself?  What is this child showing me about myself that I am not being honest with myself about – what don’t I want to see?

None of us can argue with the point that children are closer to their real selves than adults as they have less of a history within this world and having to ‘fit in’ here.  It is us, as adults, that are messed up and we force our children to become as messed up as we are because we want them to be ‘like us’.  It is us, as adults, that have created many different selves for many different situations and/or events so that we can ensure our survival within the system.  The facts are: Children are closer to their real selves than adults are and children are here to teach us and show us who we really are.  We, as parents, teachers, and guardians of children have a responsibility within the realization that we are not here to teach children but that they are here to teach us.

How is it that we can learn from our children?

  • We become equal to them.  We no longer place ourselves in a position of superiority nor inferiority within our relationships with children.  We stop policing our children so that they may have the opportunity to express themselves.  We, as adults, are not cool with being ‘told what to do’ or being made to participate within specific activities that do not interest us and within that, we offer the same and equal respect of ourselves as ourselves to our children within their honest communication of themselves, their interests, and their lives.  We no longer force them to become us.
  • We educate ourselves to express ourselves so that we can communicate effectively and honestly with others outside of ourselves and thus teach our children expression as a living example.  Specifically looking at ‘swear words’, we realize and see through our experiences with swearing that it’s FUCKING AWESOME to express ourselves within these pure words and yet, we punish our children when they express them?  This makes no sense … Why are we doing this? So that a child does not ‘offend’ another adult, a ‘respected’ family member, or a school teacher?  We are afraid of how it will make us ‘look’ as parents and/or guardians within our community if our children express themselves openly without fear of punishment?  The truth is, the way we currently exist, we are suppressing our children by not allowing them to express themselves and we are allowing ourselves to be suppressed by others outside of ourselves because of fear.  This is abuse.  Abuse of ourselves that we pass on to our children.  It must stop.  It is our ‘duty’ to our children to learn how to express ourselves through writing and investigation of ourselves so that we can share ourselves with our children and thus show them, via language, how to share themselves with us.
  • We allow them to make mistakes.  We allow them to face themselves within the consequences of their choices.  Within our understanding that children are equal, one, and the same as us, we see that they must face all that we face.  Within SH’s experience of her boyfriend’s son wanting to play video games throughout the night and not participate with family activities, then he, like the rest of us, will have to live the consequences of these ‘choices’.
  • We take ownership of ourselves and allow our children to take ownership of themselves.  I am mine, you are yours.  I am taking responsibility for myself for what I’ve accepted and allowed, I am stopping the blame, the anger, and the reactions – I am here, showing you, via my words and actions, that it is possible for you to do the same.  Being a living example is the best starting point we can give to our children.  So, stop focusing on the child and everything that he is ‘doing wrong’ and bring the focus back to yourself and be honest with yourself about what is ‘wrong’ and why you’re seeing it that way.  Once we are clear of these unreal expectations, we are then able to be effective with our children.

We know this. It is common sense. Now, let’s walk it.

My Mom’s Going To Kill Me

Over the last year, we have seen an extensive amount of news, online articles, and pictures that is forcing us to look at the point of parents murdering their children.

“May 18, 2011 – A Texas woman has confessed to killing and dumping her son’s body along a rural road in Maine, police said.”

“Jun 21, 2011 – Sacramento have arrested a Sacramento mother for the murder of her six-week-old child.”

“Sep 1, 2011 – EAST ST. LOUIS, Ill. — An Illinois woman suspected in the shotgun deaths of her two youngest children was arrested in Missouri …”

“Sep 1, 2011 – A South Philly mother allegedly stabbed and killed her own son and daughter Wednesday.”

“Oct 19, 2011 – MULTAN: A seven year old boy was allegedly killed by his mother at Basti Bagh Hussain in the area of Seetalmarri police station.”

It’s interesting to watch how we react when a mother, specifically,  kills her child, especially when the event happens near where one participates within our daily lives.  First, we are in disbelief  and we ask ourselves:  Is this real?  What kind of mother does this to her child? And how is it that this was allowed to happen?

We are then shocked, saddened, angered, judgmental, and screaming for the death chair.  We do not stop to place ourselves within and as the mothers whom have harmed their children.  We are not honest with ourselves in that we do not allow ourselves to look back at our own lives and how we’ve acted and reacted toward our children when we are at a breaking point.  Some of us, like myself, are fortunate enough to have a strong support system via our partners, our family, and our friends.  Those of us who have children and are ‘lucky’ enough to have time to ourselves to piece ourselves back together are not readily able to answer the question:  Who and what kind of parent would I be if I had no one outside of myself who is able to assist me and give me the support I need to keep myself together?

When asking this question of ourselves, do we stand equal to the mother within placing ourselves within her and as her? No.  We create a bunch of  answers and solutions that have no common sense, practical application within this world as it currently exists.  We say, “Just don’t have kids, then …”, “There’s lots of people in this world that can’t have kids, if you can’t properly take care of a child, then give it to someone who can.” and, “If she had said something or given an indication that she needed help, there are plenty of services out there.”

I say these answers and solutions are not practical and make no sense because the fact of the matter is, we are baby-making machines in a world where we are taught that being a parent is the single-most important thing we can do with our life and if you screw up, you fail – GAME OVER.  Further, the ‘services’ that are available aren’t 1) available for every individual equally, 2) are not proven tools for effectively changing individuals, and 3) are significantly diminished because these programs do not make a profit.  Also, if you are a mom or a dad that goes for ‘help’ from another outside of yourself, you fail.  And do not tell us a lie that we made up about how ‘we all understand’ and ‘it’s a brave thing your doing’ because that is not true – in the back of our secret minds we squirrel this weakness away so that we can use it later to assist us in feeling better about our own lives: PHEW. I certainly could have done worse than I have – I COULD  have been like HER.

Now that we’re on the same page and we’ve got the lies out on the table, let’s look at some honesty within bringing the point back to ourselves, seeing our real selves within our experiences, and placing ourselves as equal and one with the abusive and/or murdering parent.

Two weeks ago, I was allowing myself to become extensively angry and frustrated with myself, my family, my world, and everyone outside of myself.  It got to the point where I was agitated and angry at everything and everyone – I was seething and ready to blow.  Within my mind, I kept telling myself that I didn’t have time to do what was required to look at the points of agitation that kept coming up in my life and so, I suppressed them and told myself that I would ‘deal with it later’.  There was always something to do: Dishes, laundry, washing the floors, taking care of my animals, making sure dinner was cooked for my husband when he got home from work, and keeping up with the constant demands of my 4-year old.  I could see that the anger was growing within me and I blamed all of my responsibilities for not allowing me to sit down and begin the process of writing which angered me even more.  At this point, within this moment of complete, absolute ‘I can take this no more’, my son had one of several temper-tantrums he had that week in which he screamed at me and started hitting me.  I snapped.

My 4-year old and I, both within complete rage, went into battle.  After almost an hour of screaming, crying, and power-plays, it ended when I removed myself from him and he passed out in exhaustion on his bed and me with my voice strained and my throat on fire.

While he slept, I wrote out all of my anger and frustration that I had allowed to build within me.  It became clear to me why parents harm their children.  I can understand how it is that a woman can be completely taken over by this rage, harm her children, then leave them for dead on the side of the road.  Anger is dangerous.  And to say that it does not exist with in every one of us is a lie.  To judge another who reacts within this possessed state is how we hide behind our fear of it coming out of ourselves.  We’re aware that it’s there, lurking in the darkness.  We suppress it, we pretend it’s not there, we make up a personality within which to fool ourselves, our friends, and our families into thinking that we are patient, kind, sweet, loving and caring beings.

So within this, we can then place ourselves as equal to a parent that harms her children and further consider what is going on within and as a parent that has no outside support, is completely caught up in their problems, and is not aware of the tools available in which to piece themselves back together.  When we ask, ‘How does something like this happen?’, we can answer it honestly as ourselves, as who we really are, and not within the personality that we’ve created to avoid being seen and/or seeing ourselves as a failure.

Now that we see what’s going on within these parents that harm their children, we are able to also see that there is no end of the problem within the way that the current system is set up as, obviously, simply recognizing that there is a problem isn’t going to fix anything.  It’s at point that we have a choice: Do we allow ourselves to become helpless, fall from our stance as these parents and thus give up on ourselves, each other, and all of the children that are dying?  OR, do we stand firm within ourselves and ourselves as angry, frustrated, and messed-up parents and support a solution that makes it possible for us, for the very first time, to research and implement that which is required to end this abuse and be done with it?

The solution that I found is an Equal Money System.  Within this system, we take out the profit from research and implementation through assistance and support and thus can fix the problem for what it really is. Fixed. Done. Part of the past. Let’s move on.

So. If we are shocked, angered, enraged and/or confused with the parents outside of us that are killing our children, my question for us is:  What are we going to do about it?

The simple truth is that it’s NEVER going to be fixed within our profit-driven system and, in fact, is going to get worse.  And when it won’t get away and when it gets worse, what are we going to do?  Are we going to fall from our responsibility to ourselves, each other, and our children within the statement of ‘oh well, nothing I can do’ or are we going to stand and say, ‘No more.  This ends here,’ and work together on practical solutions that ensure that we end abuse once and for all?

Additional Link:

Andrea Yates and Religious Brainwashing – Andrea Rossouw investigating and giving perspective on Andrea Yates who drowned her five children.