In this post I begin writing self-forgiveness for what I have written on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1 so that I can see what I have been accepting and allowing which will assist and support me to take responsibility for my decision to become angry and to see myself for who and what I have allowed myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to control my anger – I have not allowed myself to perfect not reacting to stressful and/or uncontrollable events by breathing until I am stable. Instead of stabilizing myself with breath, I allow the anger to accumulate within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my child’s anger, screaming, swearing, hitting, throwing, and jumping up-and-down is them showing me to me. I have not wanted to face the fact that these expressions of anger are my expressions that I have shown them and programmed into and as them. And because I do not want to face myself as this anger, I react and separate myself from it – where, instead of taking responsibly for the anger and expressions of anger, I blame my experience of myself within and as anger on my child as: This is all them. Not me. They are doing this to me. They are making me react.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my child when they are angry and frustrated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become so overwhelmed with irritation and conflict with myself in a situation that I am not in-control of stopping that I react with/as fear – when I allow my fear to take over, I become completely mind-possessed and act physically to create fear so that I can get control of an overwhelmingly uncomfortable situation/experience/event and make it stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for my reactions and actions to anger and within this, subject myself to guilt, remorse, sadness, and telling myself that I am a Bad Parent that does not deserve children. Instead of looking at ways that I can change myself in the future to not allow the reactions to accumulate and/or investigate ways to avoid/remove conflict, I allow myself to consume myself with negative emotions and backchat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my child to physically let their anger out on me where I will allow them to hit me and beat on me with objects in hopes that they will be able to ‘get it all out’ and stop. My putting myself in the position of being their ‘punching bag’ hasn’t changed anything and in-fact, allows the situation/event to become much-much worse where they will hit harder and become destructive. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I allow myself to become physically hurt as a way to try to avoid conflict and guilt – additionally, I do this to overcompensate for what I see as not being good enough about myself as a person and a parent.