Here I am continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.
Previous self-forgiveness writings are here: Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously judge myself as irresponsible, unworthy, and as the worst possible kind of person because I did not consider the consequences of bringing a child into an unstable home. A result of this judgment is that I live in a constant and continuous state of guilt, remorse, and self-pity instead of standing, stopping, investigating myself, and taking a real self-honest look at the parent that I want to be and could be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will raise/teach/program my child to be violent, abusive, and a bully. Regardless of the fact that I have shown myself over-and-over again that my fears prevent nothing and that I end up manifesting what I’m fearing, I have continued to allow my fear to direct me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to ignore my child when they ‘act out’ because I have allowed myself to believe that if I ignore bad behavior that the bad behavior will go away. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not pay attention to what I see as ‘not acceptable behavior’ then the bad behavior will stop. Regardless of the fact that I have seen and experienced that this does not work time-and-time again, I keep trying to use this ‘ignore the bad’ technique because I have placed myself in a position of seeing myself as lost, hopeless, and not knowing the best thing to do for the child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into the opposite polarity with my child when and as I see Good Behavior – when and as they show behavior that I like I will reward them with praise, physical demonstrations of love, and attention.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the consequences of myself moving from anger, to ignorance, to loving with my child where within this, I shift between personalities, confuse my child and attempt to keep them under control. The child often says to me, “You’re being mean.” “Aww. You’re back to being nice to me again.” Or, “Are you okay mom? What’s wrong?” I am sending them constant and continual conflicting ‘signals’ about who/what I am where who/what I am is unstable, having no solid stance, and reacting moment-by-moment to my environment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as an unstable, self-dishonest, and a reactive person onto my child where I see them as having a problem and being the problem instead of seeing that I am the problem and/or the cause of the problem and being honest with myself about this so that I will stop and change what I am doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that a very young child sort out their anger when I, an adult, still have not sorted out mine. I have not allowed myself to place myself in the child’s shoes where, when I was young, I could easily pick-out where adults were telling me to do something that they were not doing themselves – and within this, I saw that the adults had no grounds to tell me, that they were ignorant, that they did not understand, and what they said could not be trusted. Instead of re-minding myself of this, I repeated the patterns of the adults in my life because it is easier to pawn off responsibility then to actually give how I would have liked to be given.