Why Can’t I Get Being A Parent Right? – Day 4

And continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt over-and-over-again in response to me telling myself that, “I’m doing this wrong. I’m going to mess this child up. I made the wrong decision to bring life into this world.” Because I fear that I have already made many mistakes that cannot be changed, that I’ve already screwed my child up, and that someday my child will see this and end up hating me and/or not wanting anything to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to, “I’m doing this wrong. I’m going to mess this child up. I made the wrong decision to bring life into this world. The mistakes I’ve made cannot be changed. I’ve already screwed my child up. Someday my child will see my mistakes and end up hating me and/or not want anything to do with me.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that these fears about losing my child or messing them up are not real – in that, these things may or may not happen but they are not here in the moment. And that when I allow these fears, I am allowing the reactions to the fears that lead to anger and then my unstable expression of anger. I have not allowed myself to consider: That if I let go of my fears of losing my child, that this will assist and support me with sorting out and/or stopping my mind anger possession.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that if I cannot raise a stable, ‘perfected’ child that I will be seen as a failure in the eyes of my fellow Destonians. I have not allowed myself to see that this is not a self-honest point because when I apply this to the support that has been given to me as well as shown via the blogs, vlogs, chats, assignments, the forum, and other group participation, the Destonians are doing the same as I am – taking responsibility for themselves – so, for me to tell myself that ‘they’re going to judge/hate/get rid of me’ makes NO SENSE – and by allowing this fear of failure/loss, I am allowing separation of myself from the group, myself, and the points that have the potential of accumulating into anger. From breath to breath, I have not allowed myself to walk within the decision to stop fear so that I can stop myself from being distracted by it and, instead, focusing my efforts here on developing myself so that I can realize my potential as a parent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself, “I can’t be a good parent. I can’t do this.” Or, “I can do this but I won’t because I don’t want to do what it takes.” I have not seen that great amount of self-anger this creates within and as me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not committing myself to raise a stable, educated, and caring human being. Instead of actually making the decision to raise my child in the best way possible, I run-away from the decision because if my thoughts are correct and I do mess up and am not successful, I can easily abdicate my responsibility within the process as, “Sorry. I guess I just didn’t commit myself as much as a should have.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself accountable for any mistakes within my application as a parent.

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