My Creation, My Responsibility – Day 18

This blog is Part 2 of self-correction and self-commitment for self-forgiveness on Day 16, I Will Take Everything Away.

Part 1, Parent’s Responsibility To Stop Enslavement – Day 17, is here.

When and as I see myself judging other parents and children that are demonstrating behavior that does not align with what and/or how I have allowed myself to think/believe/imagine the behavior should be, I stop and breath.  I realize that when I engage and/or participate in this judging behavior within myself as inner-dialogue or with others openly, that it is not best for all – no, it is best for me and my self-interest to have a better experience for/as myself by showing myself and/or others that I know what’s best and that I am the better person for it.  Within this realization, I see that it would be best, instead, for me to ‘bring the point back to myself’ and take an honest look at who I am really judging – ME – and seeing that I have demonstrated the exact same behavior that I am now required to take responsibility for and change as MYSELF.

I commit myself to stopping myself from going into judgment of other parents and children by when and as the judgments come up, stopping, breathing, slowing the point down, and instead re-directing myself to utilize the point of judgment as a point that I must take responsibility for my participation within and as – and from here, change myself as who/what I will be when in the same situation occurs again and/or emerges in my own interpersonal interactions and/or experiences.

In addition, I commit myself to question WHY I would allow myself to automatically go into judgment and comparison of myself and others over-and-over again and WHY I allowed it in the first place – how is it benefiting me to do this?  Why do I not change this when the obvious nature of this judgment is not cool and often times evil?

When and as I see myself reacting with anger, frustration, and/or impatience when and as a child is not behaving as per my expectations, I stop and I breath.  I realize that I am attempting to release an accumulation of undirected negative emotional energetic reactions and instead of taking responsibility for these accumulated emotional energies, I am projecting them onto the child – as if it’s their fault and as if they are to blame for me experiencing myself that way that I am.  When in-fact that it is me that has been reacting and me that has allowed this stuff to accumulate within me.  It has nothing to do with the child and everything to do with me – me not living up to my self-expectations to be stable and responsible human being – and because I don’t want to face the truth of myself, I instead expect the child to be stable and take responsibility for the consequences that I created.

I commit myself to stopping myself from attempting to release and/or project my accumulated anger, frustration, and impatience onto/toward a child with the excuse/justification/reason that the child is doing something that does not align with my expectations.  Within this commitment, I will first remind myself that I have done this to myself and that it is not the child’s responsibility to take on my accumulated consequence.  Secondly, I will re-direct myself to take responsibility for myself, as per my own self-expectations, my reactions of anger, frustration, and impatience by writing out my self beliefs/ideas/opinions, writing out my negative emotions, investigating why I have allowed/have not faced my emotions with self-forgiveness, and changing who I am in relation to the events that led up to my accumulated negative emotional energetic reactions with self-correction and self-commitment.

One Anger, One Choice – Day 14

Here concluding Self-Correction and Self-Commitment statements for How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1. See Days 213 for previous Writings, Self-Forgiveness, Self-Correction, and Self-Commitment.

When and as I see that I am angry, I stop – I see, realize, and understand that I am in-fact angry at myself and that this self-anger is a consequence of me not being self-honest. Instead of allowing myself to project, suppress, run away from, hide from, ignore, push away and/or get caught up in my mind with my anger and backchat, I breath and allow myself to investigate the core/source/origin of my anger.

When and as I see that I resist facing my anger, I remind myself that I am going to experience this anger – one way or another – so, I take the opportunity to face my anger here: moment-to-moment in breath.

I commit myself to remind myself that there exists only ONE kind of Anger – Anger at Myself. Within reminding myself of this, I will better assist and support myself in bringing the points of anger back to myself and not allow myself to separate myself from my anger.

I commit myself to stopping my anger and myself from accumulating suppressed anger by establishing a relationship of self-honesty with myself. I allow myself to experience my anger that emerges within and as me and face my self-dishonesty with the tools of writing and self-forgiveness — and then, self-correct myself with/as/to self-honesty and commit myself to change so that I never again accept and allow myself to live in a way that is not aligned with who/what I really am and/or is best for me to be.

When and as I see that I am faced with anger, I allow myself to stop, breath, and ask myself: Why am I angry? Where did this anger start? Which points in my world have I not been honest with myself in relation to this anger?

I commit myself to, when angry, breathing, slowing myself, and asking myself, “WHY am I angry? WHERE did this anger start? WHICH POINTS in my world have I not been honest with myself about?” As this will assist and support me within my investigation of myself, my self-forgiveness process, and my commitment to stopping myself from existing within and as anger and suppressed anger.

I commit myself to no longer attempt force another to experience my anger so that I do not have to – within this, I remind myself that when another is directing their anger at me to not take it personal as this will assist and support me in stopping myself from directing my anger at another, separating myself from myself, and participating-in/creating unnecessary conflict.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to express my anger/outrage within a fight, battle, and or competition with another – I allow myself to breath, not become angry, not participate in the fight/battle/competition game and to wait it out until the energy runs out.

When and as I see that I am allowing fear, guilt, shame, sadness, regret, distrust, not being good enough, and inferiority to in a moment change how I direct my living, I stop. I assist and support myself to release myself from fear, guilt, shame, sadness, regret, distrust, not being good enough, and inferiority, with self-forgiveness so that I can transform myself and no longer accept and allow myself as having limited potential as a human being. I see, realize, and understand that these thoughts, emotions, and backchat are the core/source/origin point of my self-dishonesty and so my anger – I allow myself to take the opportunity to no longer accept and allow this self-dishonesty to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to allowing myself to see, realize, and understand where/how I have been accepting and allowing myself to exist as fear, guilt, shame, sadness, regret, distrust, not being good enough, inferiority, and other dishonesties. I allow myself to realize that there could be better existence for me by reminding myself that I can no longer accept that I have limited potential as a human being and that I can transform myself – I have the tools, I have support, and I have physical time.

I commit myself to no longer accept the idea/belief that I am separate from what exists. I allow myself to educate myself, align myself with what is here, and self-forgive myself for everything.

I commit myself to removing the values I’ve placed on myself, my self-interest and what exists in the world with investigation, writing, and self-forgiveness. With self-correction and self-commitment, I work on replacing my previous/current value system with the value of life equal.

So, Why Am I REALLY Angry? – Day 6

Here continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

Why Can’t I Get Being A Parent Right? – Day 4

Why Am I Reacting? – Day 5

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I am/become angry, that I am an in-fact angry at myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that there exists only one kind of angeranger at myself.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this one anger at myself that I have is a consequence of me not being self-honest – and because I am not allowing myself to see myself as the cause/source/origin of my anger and because I do not want to be seen as an ‘angry person‘, I project and suppress my anger so that I do not have to experience it – within this, what I have not seen is that I AM going to experience it – one way or another. The anger is going to emerge from myself as accumulated anger until I blow or I’m going to see outside of myself in/as others and my world. I have not considered stopping and facing the points of self-dishonesty that are the cause of my anger instead of trying to run, hide, ignore, or push the points away.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to STOP myself when and as I experience anger – when and as I am experiencing anger, I become mind-possessed rather than breathing and asking myself: WHY am I angry? WHERE did this anger start? WHICH POINTS in my world have I not been honest with myself about? — If I had allowed myself to ask myself these questions and bring my anger back to myself, I would have assisted and supported myself to not become that ‘angry person‘ that I don’t want to be.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when another is directing their anger at me, that they are actually angry at themselves for points that they have not been honest with themselves about – the very same thing that I do. Because I have not seen, realized, nor understood this, I take it personal when others direct their anger at me and so I direct my anger at them – I have not allowed myself to see this scenario for what it is: two or more self-dishonest people within separation from ourselves and attempting force another to experience our anger so that we do not have to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others anger personally, become angry, and then express my anger/outrage at this rather than seeing that it is not personal, not becoming angry, not participating in the fight/battle/competition, breathing, and waiting it out until the energy runs out. I have not allowed myself to see and realize that I do not have to participate in this game.

Why Can’t I Get Being A Parent Right? – Day 4

And continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt over-and-over-again in response to me telling myself that, “I’m doing this wrong. I’m going to mess this child up. I made the wrong decision to bring life into this world.” Because I fear that I have already made many mistakes that cannot be changed, that I’ve already screwed my child up, and that someday my child will see this and end up hating me and/or not wanting anything to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to, “I’m doing this wrong. I’m going to mess this child up. I made the wrong decision to bring life into this world. The mistakes I’ve made cannot be changed. I’ve already screwed my child up. Someday my child will see my mistakes and end up hating me and/or not want anything to do with me.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that these fears about losing my child or messing them up are not real – in that, these things may or may not happen but they are not here in the moment. And that when I allow these fears, I am allowing the reactions to the fears that lead to anger and then my unstable expression of anger. I have not allowed myself to consider: That if I let go of my fears of losing my child, that this will assist and support me with sorting out and/or stopping my mind anger possession.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that if I cannot raise a stable, ‘perfected’ child that I will be seen as a failure in the eyes of my fellow Destonians. I have not allowed myself to see that this is not a self-honest point because when I apply this to the support that has been given to me as well as shown via the blogs, vlogs, chats, assignments, the forum, and other group participation, the Destonians are doing the same as I am – taking responsibility for themselves – so, for me to tell myself that ‘they’re going to judge/hate/get rid of me’ makes NO SENSE – and by allowing this fear of failure/loss, I am allowing separation of myself from the group, myself, and the points that have the potential of accumulating into anger. From breath to breath, I have not allowed myself to walk within the decision to stop fear so that I can stop myself from being distracted by it and, instead, focusing my efforts here on developing myself so that I can realize my potential as a parent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself, “I can’t be a good parent. I can’t do this.” Or, “I can do this but I won’t because I don’t want to do what it takes.” I have not seen that great amount of self-anger this creates within and as me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not committing myself to raise a stable, educated, and caring human being. Instead of actually making the decision to raise my child in the best way possible, I run-away from the decision because if my thoughts are correct and I do mess up and am not successful, I can easily abdicate my responsibility within the process as, “Sorry. I guess I just didn’t commit myself as much as a should have.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself accountable for any mistakes within my application as a parent.

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

Here I am continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:  Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the time to understand my anger and to get it sorted out before I made the decision to have children.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously judge myself as irresponsible, unworthy, and as the worst possible kind of person because I did not consider the consequences of bringing a child into an unstable home. A result of this judgment is that I live in a constant and continuous state of guilt, remorse, and self-pity instead of standing, stopping, investigating myself, and taking a real self-honest look at the parent that I want to be and could be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will raise/teach/program my child to be violent, abusive, and a bully. Regardless of the fact that I have shown myself over-and-over again that my fears prevent nothing and that I end up manifesting what I’m fearing, I have continued to allow my fear to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to ignore my child when they ‘act out’ because I have allowed myself to believe that if I ignore bad behavior that the bad behavior will go away. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not pay attention to what I see as ‘not acceptable behavior’ then the bad behavior will stop. Regardless of the fact that I have seen and experienced that this does not work time-and-time again, I keep trying to use this ‘ignore the bad’ technique because I have placed myself in a position of seeing myself as lost, hopeless, and not knowing the best thing to do for the child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into the opposite polarity with my child when and as I see Good Behavior – when and as they show behavior that I like I will reward them with praise, physical demonstrations of love, and attention.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the consequences of myself moving from anger, to ignorance, to loving with my child where within this, I shift between personalities, confuse my child and attempt to keep them under control. The child often says to me, “You’re being mean.” “Aww. You’re back to being nice to me again.” Or, “Are you okay mom? What’s wrong?” I am sending them constant and continual conflicting ‘signals’ about who/what I am where who/what I am is unstable, having no solid stance, and reacting moment-by-moment to my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as an unstable, self-dishonest, and a reactive person onto my child where I see them as having a problem and being the problem instead of seeing that I am the problem and/or the cause of the problem and being honest with myself about this so that I will stop and change what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that a very young child sort out their anger when I, an adult, still have not sorted out mine. I have not allowed myself to place myself in the child’s shoes where, when I was young, I could easily pick-out where adults were telling me to do something that they were not doing themselves – and within this, I saw that the adults had no grounds to tell me, that they were ignorant, that they did not understand, and what they said could not be trusted. Instead of re-minding myself of this, I repeated the patterns of the adults in my life because it is easier to pawn off responsibility then to actually give how I would have liked to be given.

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

In this post I begin writing self-forgiveness for what I have written on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1 so that I can see what I have been accepting and allowing which will assist and support me to take responsibility for my decision to become angry and to see myself for who and what I have allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to control my anger – I have not allowed myself to perfect not reacting to stressful and/or uncontrollable events by breathing until I am stable. Instead of stabilizing myself with breath, I allow the anger to accumulate within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my child’s anger, screaming, swearing, hitting, throwing, and jumping up-and-down is them showing me to me. I have not wanted to face the fact that these expressions of anger are my expressions that I have shown them and programmed into and as them. And because I do not want to face myself as this anger, I react and separate myself from it – where, instead of taking responsibly for the anger and expressions of anger, I blame my experience of myself within and as anger on my child as: This is all them. Not me. They are doing this to me. They are making me react.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my child when they are angry and frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become so overwhelmed with irritation and conflict with myself in a situation that I am not in-control of stopping that I react with/as fear – when I allow my fear to take over, I become completely mind-possessed and act physically to create fear so that I can get control of an overwhelmingly uncomfortable situation/experience/event and make it stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for my reactions and actions to anger and within this, subject myself to guilt, remorse, sadness, and telling myself that I am a Bad Parent that does not deserve children. Instead of looking at ways that I can change myself in the future to not allow the reactions to accumulate and/or investigate ways to avoid/remove conflict, I allow myself to consume myself with negative emotions and backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my child to physically let their anger out on me where I will allow them to hit me and beat on me with objects in hopes that they will be able to ‘get it all out’ and stop. My putting myself in the position of being their ‘punching bag’ hasn’t changed anything and in-fact, allows the situation/event to become much-much worse where they will hit harder and become destructive. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I allow myself to become physically hurt as a way to try to avoid conflict and guilt – additionally, I do this to overcompensate for what I see as not being good enough about myself as a person and a parent.