How To Start Releasing Myself From Conflict – Day 12

This post is a continuation of Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements from How To Prevent Myself From Getting Angry At My Child – Day 8 How To Stop Beating Up On Myself – Day 9 , How To Stop Parental Guilt – Day 10 and How To Self-Support For Anger – Day 11.

See How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1 for the Writing Myself Out part of this point and Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2 through War Within War Without – Day 7 for my Self-Forgiveness process.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing my fear of loss of a child, the loss of a child’s innocence, and/or ‘messing them up’ as indicated by my backchat, “I’m doing this wrong. I’m going to mess them up. I made a wrong decision to bring life into this world …” I stop. I see, realize and understand that, again, this fear exists within myself as my mind only where I accept and allow myself to participate in the fear and become possessed which is all self-dishonest – this is who I have accepted and allowed myself to be which is in direct conflict of what is best for me to be – so, here I remind myself that I must release myself from these fears and then direct myself to assist and support myself with releasing myself with self-forgiveness, self-correction and living application that is aligned with who/what I actually see my potential as being.

I commit myself stopping accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in guilt and participating in my mind with thoughts that I’m ‘doing this wrong’, ‘going to mess this up’, and I ‘made the wrong decision to bring life into this world’. Instead of getting caught in this self-defeating trap, I find self-honest ways of doing and changing things in my environment that are aligned with the outcome/beingness that I want to be living and apply, stand as an example, and gently direct others during moments when I see it will be effective.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing the fear that I’m going to ‘mess up a child’ by releasing myself from my fears with self-forgiveness and ‘raising’ myself and child in a way that is best with self-honesty and with the purpose of developing integrity.

Additionally, I commit myself to reminding myself that my fear of losing a child and messing them up are not real and that these fears exist within myself as my mind only.

When and as I see that I am setting myself up for failure as a parent as indicated by me fearing, worrying, and/or becoming anxious about ‘what others think’ of what/how I am directing myself as a parent, I stop. In this moment instead of participating and allowing myself to go into the backchat of what I tell myself ‘others must or will think of me’, I assist and support myself slow down and self-forgive the points that emerge to assist and support myself to no longer separate myself from others and to prevent myself from accumulating anger.

I commit myself to stopping comparing myself to others, trying to define myself as I have defined others, and forming ideas about others within and as my mind for myself to ‘live up to’ and/or become as myself. I remind myself that this is me distracting myself, separating myself from myself and others, and setting myself up self-disappointment via the unreal ideas and expectations that I have imagined of myself and others within and as my mind. Instead of looking outside of myself for my potential as a parent and a human being, I allow myself to see myself self-honestly and to develop the potential of my inner and outer being that is aligned to me living and making my decisions in a way that is best.

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War Within War Without – Day 7

Here continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

Why Can’t I Get Being A Parent Right? – Day 4

Why Am I Reacting? – Day 5

So, Why Am I REALLY Angry? – Day 6

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that I am angry at myself for allowing myself to exist as I am as fear, guilt, shame, sadness, regret, distrust, not being good enough, and inferiority – I have not seen nor realized that there could be a better existence for myself when and as I stop, stand up, change how I direct my moment-to-moment living, and transform myself instead of accepting that I have limited potential as a parent and a human being. I have not been honest with myself that I have been aware of myself allowing myself to exist like this all along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my anger together with fear of others and the need, desire, and want for protection, has brought about the manifestation design and creation of weapons and the reason why war exists in itself – my support of war, murder, and violence is my minds ultimate opportunity to discharge of fierce anger. Instead of seeing myself as directly and/or indirectly responsible for war, murder, and other abuses by accepting and allowing fear and anger of/at myself and others to exist within and as me, I separated myself from it as, “This has nothing to do with me. This wasn’t my decision.” — Even on the surface, this separation is dishonest because at the time that the War On Terrorism began in my country, I was in 100% support of this because I saw this as an opportunity for my country to gain status, wealth, power, make sure that we get the spoils of war, make other countries fearful of us, and to insure that other countries would not ‘mess with us’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself when and as I became aware of the value of life that I had before that supported murder and violence – and because I was not honest with myself about who/what I accepted and allowed myself to become that was unaligned with who/what I wanted to be, I further accumulated, suppressed, and ignored my anger with myself.

The next post begins Self-Correction.

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

Here I am continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:  Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the time to understand my anger and to get it sorted out before I made the decision to have children.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously judge myself as irresponsible, unworthy, and as the worst possible kind of person because I did not consider the consequences of bringing a child into an unstable home. A result of this judgment is that I live in a constant and continuous state of guilt, remorse, and self-pity instead of standing, stopping, investigating myself, and taking a real self-honest look at the parent that I want to be and could be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will raise/teach/program my child to be violent, abusive, and a bully. Regardless of the fact that I have shown myself over-and-over again that my fears prevent nothing and that I end up manifesting what I’m fearing, I have continued to allow my fear to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to ignore my child when they ‘act out’ because I have allowed myself to believe that if I ignore bad behavior that the bad behavior will go away. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not pay attention to what I see as ‘not acceptable behavior’ then the bad behavior will stop. Regardless of the fact that I have seen and experienced that this does not work time-and-time again, I keep trying to use this ‘ignore the bad’ technique because I have placed myself in a position of seeing myself as lost, hopeless, and not knowing the best thing to do for the child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into the opposite polarity with my child when and as I see Good Behavior – when and as they show behavior that I like I will reward them with praise, physical demonstrations of love, and attention.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the consequences of myself moving from anger, to ignorance, to loving with my child where within this, I shift between personalities, confuse my child and attempt to keep them under control. The child often says to me, “You’re being mean.” “Aww. You’re back to being nice to me again.” Or, “Are you okay mom? What’s wrong?” I am sending them constant and continual conflicting ‘signals’ about who/what I am where who/what I am is unstable, having no solid stance, and reacting moment-by-moment to my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as an unstable, self-dishonest, and a reactive person onto my child where I see them as having a problem and being the problem instead of seeing that I am the problem and/or the cause of the problem and being honest with myself about this so that I will stop and change what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that a very young child sort out their anger when I, an adult, still have not sorted out mine. I have not allowed myself to place myself in the child’s shoes where, when I was young, I could easily pick-out where adults were telling me to do something that they were not doing themselves – and within this, I saw that the adults had no grounds to tell me, that they were ignorant, that they did not understand, and what they said could not be trusted. Instead of re-minding myself of this, I repeated the patterns of the adults in my life because it is easier to pawn off responsibility then to actually give how I would have liked to be given.

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

In this post I begin writing self-forgiveness for what I have written on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1 so that I can see what I have been accepting and allowing which will assist and support me to take responsibility for my decision to become angry and to see myself for who and what I have allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to control my anger – I have not allowed myself to perfect not reacting to stressful and/or uncontrollable events by breathing until I am stable. Instead of stabilizing myself with breath, I allow the anger to accumulate within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my child’s anger, screaming, swearing, hitting, throwing, and jumping up-and-down is them showing me to me. I have not wanted to face the fact that these expressions of anger are my expressions that I have shown them and programmed into and as them. And because I do not want to face myself as this anger, I react and separate myself from it – where, instead of taking responsibly for the anger and expressions of anger, I blame my experience of myself within and as anger on my child as: This is all them. Not me. They are doing this to me. They are making me react.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my child when they are angry and frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become so overwhelmed with irritation and conflict with myself in a situation that I am not in-control of stopping that I react with/as fear – when I allow my fear to take over, I become completely mind-possessed and act physically to create fear so that I can get control of an overwhelmingly uncomfortable situation/experience/event and make it stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for my reactions and actions to anger and within this, subject myself to guilt, remorse, sadness, and telling myself that I am a Bad Parent that does not deserve children. Instead of looking at ways that I can change myself in the future to not allow the reactions to accumulate and/or investigate ways to avoid/remove conflict, I allow myself to consume myself with negative emotions and backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my child to physically let their anger out on me where I will allow them to hit me and beat on me with objects in hopes that they will be able to ‘get it all out’ and stop. My putting myself in the position of being their ‘punching bag’ hasn’t changed anything and in-fact, allows the situation/event to become much-much worse where they will hit harder and become destructive. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I allow myself to become physically hurt as a way to try to avoid conflict and guilt – additionally, I do this to overcompensate for what I see as not being good enough about myself as a person and a parent.

How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1

Art By Andrew Gable

I found that it is often difficult to control my anger with my child.  This is more difficult when the child is expressing anger themselves where they are in a fit of rage that includes screaming, crying, swearing, hitting, throwing stuff, and stomping up-and-down.  To add to the intensity of the experience, my child will follow me from room-to-room with this behavior so many times it seems impossible that I can get myself to a space away from the situation where I can stabilize myself.  What eventually happens here is that I get to the point of where I can’t take it anymore and I end up yelling, demanding that the child stop ‘Or Else’, and in the worst cases, physically restraining them.  I have tried talking them through it, I have tried getting them to breath with me, and I’ve tried using distraction – these do not work for very long before the child is back at it again.  I have even tried saying Self-Forgiveness out-loud with the child but this puts them ‘over the edge’ and they becomes abusive and destructive.  In my mind, I work on other ways to approach this with my child to support us and I do not come up with anything that is lasting.  This causes me a great deal of emotion because I am constantly in-conflict with my child – some moments we are calm and some moments it is hell.

I realize that I cannot support my child to sort out their anger until I sort my own anger out.  Also, I feel guilty constantly because I take their anger personal – I mean, I AM responsible for their anger – I birthed the child, I created them, and I’m the main caregiver.  It IS my fault.  I’m also the one responsible for figuring out how to fix this – and I haven’t been able to so I’m feeling like a bad parent and not worthy to take care of and raise a child.

Why am I angry?

I am angry at myself that I cannot diffuse or stop my child’s anger.  I am angry at myself because their outbursts make me extremely uncomfortable: the loud, nerve-grating noise, the physical attacks, and spoken backchat.  I fear what will happen if I don’t stop it and I fear of what will happen if I do.  In my mind I tell myself that I should have this under-control and the fact that I don’t makes me a Bad Parent and a Bad Destonian.  I am angry at myself for bringing a child into the world when I have no clue how to support them – and, if they end up growing into being a bully, violent, and an abuser then I am directly responsible.  I am angry at myself for not knowing any other way to control the child other than using force and fear.

So, after I wrote the above entry, I saw that my child was getting frustrated and angry from a video game that they were playing.  This anger and frustration would ‘set them off’ and I was not able to get them stable with breathing.  That night, we discussed making some changes as the way that we are living is not cool and is not what is best for us.  We agreed that I would collect the video games and that we would work on ourselves and our anger so that we could enjoy our time together.

Since then, our anger has been improving daily which has given us the opportunity to work on the points that lead to anger and points that we express our anger.

From here, with support, I continued to walk the process of understanding my anger and how to no longer allow my anger to control and direct me in the future.  I will be sharing this process in the blogs that follow.

Are Guardian Angels Real?

In this entry, I am continuing with perspective from my previous entry On Guardian Angels.

It’s interesting to consider how we would believe in Beings of Great Power and Influence that have the ability to Shape-Shift from a Heavenly Body to a Human Physical Body Form and back again at-will – however, we do not believe that One Human Being, born on this Earth, is actually able to open their Physical Body to allow others from the Here-After to communicate a message of Equality and Oneness, to support humans, and to present solutions on how we can change ourselves and this world for real.  As a response to this, the most common feedback that I get from the others in my life is, “The message is the same – it’s the same girl with the same words,” and from here, there is suspicion and the ability to hear the message and the brutal honesty ends.

Within this, the two points that I am seeing are 1, we do not see that a physical human has the potential to have ability nor influence to change our existence and 2, via religions and our beliefs we have been given different messages that vary depending on what we want to hear – and so, a message that does not change or differentiate is something that we’re not comfortable with.  From here, it is simple to see and understand why we would place our Hope and Faith in a Benevolent Presence that can only be seen by those that are Special rather than hearing a message of how we can actually change this world for real – no luminescent light, no sparkles, no moon dust, no wings, no halo – instead, all in existence working to make sure that every being on this Earth has a dignified, happy life.

I am writing about this subject in my Honest Parent blog to assist parents, future parents, and all others including myself to see that we must stop imagining, thinking, hoping, praying, and having faith that a Guardian Angel or any other More Powerful Presence than ourselves is looking out for us, is keeping us safe, and will deliver and/or protect us from anything that would cause us harm – because, when we look at the death, disease, poverty, and abuse in this world, it is completely irresponsible for us to tell ourselves, each other, and our children that we do not need to worry because Someone Somewhere Out-There is going to make everything okay and that we just need to wait, have faith, and be patient.

All we have is each other.

What we see here is what we’re working with.

Parents, future parents, and all others – Instead of placing each others Lives in a Game of Chance where one’s Value determines if one gets Heavenly Assistance or not – I suggest that we make ourselves Guardian Angels for each other where we give ourselves the Power to end poverty, abuse and preventable death and disease. We will in-fact for real bring Heaven To Earth and give every child born here an opportunity to realize themselves as True Guardian Angels.

We are working on Equal Money Capitalism as a bridge to get us from this point to the next.  In the meantime, work with yourself and your children to remove ourselves from this fantasy-world that we’re attempting to live in as an excuse to not take care of each other so that we can prevent ourselves from coming to this point again.

On Guardian Angels

After I wrote my Journey to Life blog last night, I decided to go to the store.  As I pulled out of my driveway in my car, I saw someone from the corner of my view that I almost ran into.   When I looked at the person, they were pale, there were dark circles around the eyes and the face was covered with blood and mud.  My body literally jumped away from what I saw and I gasped and yelled, “WHAT THE F?!?!”  It was Christmas … not Halloween … wtf was going on here? In my mind, I was going through all of the possibilities of what was happening in that moment… and the person did not look at me but instead just kept walking with a blank stare … holy shit … 2012 … end of the world … is the Zombie Apocalypse real??

In shock, I drove a little ways down the road and saw a car flipped over on it’s hood in the ditch – the headlights were on and this persons coat or something was on the ground.  I immediately turned around to pick-up this person.  Within me there was a voice of worry, “What if this person is insane?  I mean, gauging by the condition of this world and kinda seeing where it’s going, bad things could happen.  What if they think that -I’m- the insane one coming to abduct them?” Still, for me there was no choice.  I guided this person into my car, talked with them, and we decided to drive them to their friend’s house around the corner.  I stayed with this person until they were safe and all was cool and then I left.  While I was at the store, I told the cashier about the experience that I had on the way to the store and this person’s reply was, “You’re an angel.”

It was interesting that the Angel point came up because I had just read some articles on Angels and Guardian Angels in an e-mail that was shared.  In the articles the author spoke about the percentages of people in this world that believe that they are being watched over by Angels and made reference to the stories of these people that had personal experiences with being saved by these heavenly creatures that we cannot see.   Here are a few quotes from these articles:

“31 per cent of Britons said they believed in angels and this level is even higher among women at 41 per cent. In the U.S., 80 per cent of people profess a belief in angels”

“U.S. author Doreen Virtue has a doctorate in psychology and has written 20 books about angels. ‘Everyone has a guardian angel,’ she says. ‘They stay with you from birth, making sure you are safe and guided always. I truly believe angels can help us heal.'”

“Lorna explains that people see them in different ways – some, like her, clearly see the face and shape of them while others, like Jayne, see them as beams of light or clouds. ‘No two are alike. They change their appearance and are neither male nor female,’ says Lorna.”

‘They don’t have faces or take human forms and their “voices” aren’t audible, but I can still communicate with them and get a sense of how they are feeling based on the colour of their light,’ she says.

“The Angel of the North is as tall as four double decker buses and its wingspan is as big as that of a jumbo jet.”

These are just a few – the beliefs, myths, and individual ideas of Angels and what they look like goes on and on.  My question within this is: If everyone has a guardian angel that keeps us safe, guided always, and can help us heal, then …

… where is this child’s Guardian Angel?

I have much more to write about this subject and will continue.

On Death

We recently had a death in the family.  It was a family member that my son had a relationship with.

To begin, when I got ‘the call’ that this family member had passed away, I stayed calm, and immediately directed myself to stay at home with my son while the rest of the family rushed to support G,  the wife of the person who died.  I also made the decision to not tell my son about the death on that day in the event that his father or other members of the family came to our house with reactions.  I saw that it was my ‘job’ to prevent my son from connecting death to reactions.  When his father came home that night, we quietly and calmly shared and discussed any points, concerns, events, and experiences that had happened in the home of the dead person.  As far as my son was concerned, this day was like any other day in his world.

I decided that it was best if I were to stay home and support my son through the week so I called my boss who gave me several days off.

The day after the death, I turned off all the media in our home and asked my son to come sit with me because we had something to discuss.  He came up and sat next to me on the couch and breathed to make sure that I was clear before I began speaking.  I began by referring to our dog, Jake, that we had ‘put down’ last year and said, “So, last year Jake died. And when he died, he died he was gone.” My son said, “Yes,” and I continued, “Like Jake, P has died.  And he is gone.”

“P is dead?”

“Yes, he is dead.”

My son let out a short cry – it was a cry that was familiar to both of us as it’s more of a sniffling-whine that he attempts to use to get something that he wants. And as he let out this ‘cry’, he said, “BUT I WILL MISS HIM.”  When he expressed this with the ‘cry’, I saw my son hear himself, he sniffed once, and he stopped as he was aware that this cry was something that we’ve discussed and proven to be ‘fake’.  From here, my son began talking in his ‘normal’ tone and we discussed his concerns and answered his questions.  When the discussion ended, I told my son that I had taken the week off from work and that I would be here for him -all week- to support him.  He was cool with this.

We continued to stay home together while the family gathered each night.  I did not see it as best for him to connect ‘G falling apart’ with death.  We did not participate until the funeral.

At the funeral, my son did fine.  He supported his family member by going up to hug her as she was bent over and crying at the casket.  And that is all.  It was done.  When we got in our vehicle and left the cemetery, he reacted in anger that he did not get to see ‘P’s dead body’.   His father and I explained that it was ‘just a dead body’, however, this child really wanted to make that connection so we made an agreement that we would investigate what dead bodies looked like on-line – he was cool with this.

Last night, my son was watching a movie where a dog had died and the cast of characters worked together to bring the dog ‘back to life’.  Seeing this created Hope within him and he became excited and exclaimed, “Wait! I can bring Jake back! And P!”  I told him that in real life, this does not happen – once we are die, we are gone, and we cannot come back.  He said, “Yeah … I know.” He was disappointed – even though, what he has seen and learned from life that beings do not come back when we die.  He wanted to believe – and I understand this because I live this myself – I hope and I believe because I do not want to experience my fear of loss, my fear of the future, and my fear of death.  It is easier to ignore our disappointment over-and-over-and-over again rather than face our fears and figure out where these fears come from – and so we fall into the trap of Hope, Belief, and misplaced Trust.

We call this LIVING?

And the cycle continues …

Cycles are easy.  But cycles, patterns, or anything we do over and over and over and over again, get us no where.

And running in the same pattern day-in and day-out – how is that we can call this ‘Living’?

Okay, so we may be ‘fine’ and ‘comfortable’ with our patterns – I mean, hey, they’re predictable – don’t worry NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE.  PHEW.  And we may see our fear of change and we may even be aware of what created it but do we change?  No man, it’s comfortable.

So, my question is:  Is this really what we want for our kids?  Suggest for parents and future parents to be self-honest about this point because if we ‘just aren’t interested’ or are ‘just not into’ bettering ourselves or breaking out of these patterns, then our kids don’t have a chance.  One can start by investigating ‘Hope’ and watch how our children are being ‘fed’ with it by the media, other parents, grandparents, our friends, etc.  Is a life of disappointment what we want for our kids?

So, suggest to understand where our hope is coming from and begin the process of removal of hope, faith, beliefs, and misplaced trust.  A cool starting point is by taking the DIPLite course.  It’s free and you’ll have a buddy to support you through your process of educating yourself and thus have the tools to teach the children what opportunities are available to us in this Life.

Fear of the Dark

My child is afraid of the dark. When I ask him how come he’s afraid of the dark, he has no answer for me. He has not yet learned how to express to me what it is that he is afraid of when he is alone in his room with the lights out. As a parent, I am concerned – where did he learn this fear of the dark? What formed this memory? What did I miss?

I don’t see where he learned this fear from mine or his father’s reactions to the dark – his father enjoys the dark and within my process with Desteni, I no longer have the panic and anxiety of being in the dark. So, I assume that he learned it from whatever he’s been watching on TV. When I think back to when I was a small child, my assumption could prove to be correct because this is where I can recall my extreme fear of the dark was born.

Or is his fear pre-programmed? Is his fear of the dark a memory that I passed on to him? If that is the case, was my fear of the dark passed onto me from my parents? This would make sense as well because my mother sleeps with a TV on.

If we are pre-programmed, then why? Why would we be afraid of the dark? This is a point to look at for the simple matter of when I close my eyes, everything within and around becomes dark. In those moments when my eyes are closed and I am not ‘seeing’ pictures within my mind’s ‘eye’, there is nothing. I am within the darkness of myself. When I am within darkness, I see that I automatically seek out the light. Pre-programmed separation and polarity. As automated as my breathing.

The separation: I am looking for and seeking out something outside of myself to save me. Specifically, the light. I am dark. Why do I fear this and not embrace this? Why have I accepted and allowed myself to fear myself? I am looking at a huge fuck-up here.

The polarity: Light vs. Dark, Good vs. Evil, and God vs. The Devil. By allowing myself to be constantly moving between these polarity points, I have trapped myself within a cycle of distraction. When I see that dark is evil, I see that myself as dark is evil. If I see myself as evil then I’m going to try to be good and I’m going to try to walk the path of the ‘light’. I am not going to give myself the opportunity to stop, see myself for what I really am and remove the current definitions of the word ‘dark’ and thus see what darkness is, for real. Fascinating.

So here is where I would have gone into my childhood and how I developed my fear of the dark by watching horror movies on TV. It’s cool story but it’s no longer required here as I have my answer to why my child is afraid of the dark. It’s the same reason that I am afraid of the dark. We are equally in fear of ourselves.

After writing the first draft of this blog, it was suggested that I look at myself as a parent within the statement of ‘When I ask him how come he’s afraid of the dark, he has no answer for me. He has not yet learned how to express to me what it is that he is afraid of when he is alone in his room with the lights out.’ When I reflected this statement back to myself as a parent, I saw myself as trying to make myself feel better by trying to make him feel better. I, like most parents, see it as my duty to make everything ‘okay’ for my child – I do not want him to experience the same fears that I have, I want him to be happy, and I want to protect him from anything that would harm him. I soothe my son because I cannot magically take the fear away and somewhere along the way, I have convinced myself that soothing replaces that which I cannot ‘fix’. Within my mind, I see that a good mother holds her child and rocks him to a secure sleep as a solution to just about everything.

When seeing this picture within my mind, I see and realize that this picture is not real. This picture of a soothing mother that I have stored within myself and tried to attain, as myself, is not practical nor livable. I see myself as allowing myself to be directed by this picture within my mind instead of taking real steps toward looking at a solution. I realize that I have abdicated my responsibility to myself and thus my son by trusting this image and from that point, within seeing my abdication, stopping, and looking at a practical, livable solution. If I am to truly and actually assist my son with his fear of the dark then I must first assist myself and when I see myself as being a part of the problem. I see that I am projecting my fear of the dark on to him and soothing him as I wished someone had soothed me – I soothe him like I soothe myself when I am in the dark and afraid.

So. The solution is not for him to express to me why he is afraid – that fixes nothing. The solution is for me to self-honestly look within myself, investigate my fears, and to push myself to face my fears so that I can assist him within my understanding of our fear of the dark.

Self-Forgiveness:

  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ‘afraid of the dark’ and/or fear the dark.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being in the dark with no lights on.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being in the dark with no lights on, alone.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I am able to either be in the dark if I’m not alone or be alone if I’m not in the dark with a light on.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as needing light.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as needing light as within myself within my mind I see myself as dying if I were to not have light.
  • I forgive myself not accepting nor allowing myself to see and realize that within myself as my mind, I see death as the absence of light and thus, because I fear death, I fear the dark.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to realize that I have placed my fear of the dark as equal to and one with my fear of death.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give power to something outside of myself as being greater than myself, in this case, within protecting me from the dark or what might be in the dark that I cannot see.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my fear of the dark to a light source instead of allowing myself to take responsibility for my fear of the dark.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create images within myself as my mind of monsters, vampires, ghosts, dead people, undead people, and other demonic creatures that are here to ‘get’, harm, feed from me, eat me, scare me, taunt me, or kill me.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed the fear of the dark and the fear of that which could exist in the dark that I cannot see through reinforcing my fears via reading, metaphysical studies, others stories, and my own self-created mind-projected experiences/stories.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pass on my self-created mind-projected experiences and stories on to others so that they may share my fears and thus confirm my fears and my ‘rightness’ within my fears.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see and realize that when I tell my child that ‘there is nothing to be scared of’ that I’m lying to him and this is deception is exposed to myself by my child who does not ‘believe’ or trust me within this statement.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that there is ‘nothing to be scared’ of within the dark so that I may soothe myself within my fear of the dark.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed my fear of the dark within accepting my fear of the dark and allowing myself to soothe myself as a means to feed and continue the cycle of fear.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see within myself as my mind a picture of a love, caring, and comforting mother that rocks her child into a state of soothing sleep with a strong embrace – stroking the child’s body with her hands, cradling the child’s head and pressing kisses to the child’s head and face.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this image of a ‘caring, supportive mother’ that I’ve stored within myself as my mind as a reference point for how I -should- act and react when my child is in fear or in distress.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by this image of a ‘caring, supportive mother’ when I do not have solutions to that which I see as my son’s ‘problems’.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this image of a supportive, loving, caring, mother within myself as my mind from my own desires to be held, protected, and soothed away from myself within my mind as my fears.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reinforce this image of a supportive, loving, caring mother via communication with others and their own desires and expectations of themselves and their children to be held, protected, and soothed away from that which they have allowed to cause them stress.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by myself with my mind’s interpretation of what myself and others expect me to behave as a parent.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself to ‘soothe and comfort’ children because within myself as my mind I say to myself that children are helpless, cannot stand for themselves, and are too naïve to take responsibility for what they have accepted and allowed at birth.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a child as helpless, unable to stand for myself, and too innocent to take responsibility for anything that I accepted or allowed.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to project myself as I have stored myself within my mind as a child onto children.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that when I remove the image of myself as a child within my mind from other children and take it out of the equation, that what I see is children are not, in fact, helpless, weak, and/or too innocent to exist here. It makes no sense that we have to protect their fears, their emotions, their feelings, and their thoughts.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing to see and realize that I have created my weaknesses, my children’s weaknesses, and others weaknesses within myself as my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed these weaknesses with excuses and justifications and thus manifest them here within my reality.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to stand within myself as myself as equal to myself and my potential for investigating real, practical, and livable solutions for myself and my son.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate myself and my self-responsibility within not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I am strong, I am able, and that I can move myself to explore, investigate, and/or experiment with self-directed, practical, and livable solutions for myself and my son.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to be honest with myself and my child within the statement of ‘there’s nothing to be afraid of here in the darkness’ when everything that is here can be feared.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my child to transcend his fears when I have, in fact, not transcended my own.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assist and support my child in suppressing his fears rather than express and investigate his fears.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to realize and see that when I am communicating to my child to suppress his fears that I am communicating to myself that I am suppressing my fears.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see my fears as equal to myself.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself see and stand equal to the monster under the bed where, like a monster under the bed, I grab others as a means to scare them.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself see and stand equal to vampires in that I have to fed off others energy and/or what I have perceived to be their life-force or youth.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see and stand equal to demonic possession within self-honesty that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by anger, resentment, greed, lust, jealousy, and superiority.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the darkness of myself.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out the light so that I may not face nor see the darkness of myself.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define light as ‘good’ and dark as ‘bad’.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out that which I have defined as ‘good’ and/or God-like within the light.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run away from, avoid, suppress, judge, and be afraid of that which I have defined as ‘bad’ and/or ‘Demonic’, hellish, a killer or a stalker within the dark.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out that which I’ve defined as good within the light so that I do not have to face that which I have defined as bad and/or evil within the dark.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and/or dismiss that which I see within myself is dark, bad, and/or evil.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see, realize, and be aware that when I allow myself as my mind to become afraid of the dark, what is in the dark, and thus what is in the dark of me, that I am separating myself from myself as this darkness by first denying the darkness and then seeking out a source of light, goodness, and protection from and as myself and my world.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my pre-programmed fear of the dark.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my pre-programmed acceptance, love, and search for light, a light source, or ‘the light’.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see, realize, and be aware that I am allowing myself, as my mind within my pre-programmed existence to be directed by fear instead of stopping myself as my mind, breathing, seeing the fear, and facing the fear.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a fear rather than look at the fear in a down-to-earth, practical way.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a fear because within myself as my mind, I see scenarios of my death as a result or consequence of facing that which I fear.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself see and be aware that within myself as my mind, I am using fear of the dark against myself within pictures that which I will react within my pre-programmed fear of death.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to picture myself as being attacked by an animal, getting lost, getting hurt, falling, stumbling, being alone, being eaten, being kidnapped, being physically/sexually/emotionally abused, being shot with a bullet, being strangled, and/or being adopted by a pack of wolves if I were to stand for ‘too long’ in the dark, alone.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that by allowing myself to be directed by my fears, in this case ‘the dark’, that I have been and am missing an opportunity to connect with myself and my world as it exists in the dark.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to stand alone, in the dark, with myself.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to stand alone in the dark without fear so that I may see myself, the animals, and my reality as how it exists within the dark.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by myself as my mind within fear of the dark and/or death so that I am able to place myself separate from what could exist in the dark, for real.

After reading this Self-Forgiveness, I would suggest to myself to:

See and be aware that it is my acceptance and allowance of the fear of death that is creating my fear of the dark. Suggest slowing down in breath and looking at the fears that come into myself as my mind as pictures and saying self-forgiveness for the pictures that come into my mind.

Be aware of when I am going into an energetic reaction of panic within the dark, breathing, and pushing myself to remain within the dark.

Be aware of when I am seeking a light source when it is dark and begin asking myself questions – why am I searching for the light? Why am I unable to remain or be here? What is it about the dark that I do not trust? What is about myself that I’m not trusting right now? Why do I trust the light more than myself?

Not suppress my son’s fear of the dark nor encourage it nor feed it with positive reinforcement. Suggest allowing him to express his fear of the dark but do no react to it. Suggest to my son and myself that we go outside together in the dark so that we may face our fear of the dark together and become comfortable within the darkness. Work on assisting and supporting myself within understanding my pre-programmed fear of the dark so that I may assist him if required.

Not participate within myself as my mind’s image of a ‘caring, loving, supportive mother’. Realize this image and my forcing of myself to be this image for my son is not who I am – this is not real. See that by allowing myself to soothe myself and my son with this image, that I am not being honest with myself nor my son. Realize that by accepting and allowing myself to continue within this dishonesty, that I am creating a cycle of dishonest consequence for myself, my son, my son’s children, and his children’s children to face within their own acceptance and allowance.

See that when I am projecting myself from within my mind on to myself and others that I am creating myself and others within the image that I’ve created, memorized, and stored within myself as my mind. Realize that when I accept and allow myself to be helpless and in need of help and in turn, when I receive help that this reinforces my helplessness because my helplessness has been fed with help. See within this example of myself of how I have created my reality and how I have accepted and allowed to be directed by myself within my mind within this creation.

Direct myself to see myself as equal and one with my fears. See that my fears are a mirror of myself – suggest to not deny this nor suppress this but instead embrace my fears as an opportunity to learn about and become intimate with myself.

Be aware of when I am seeking out the good within myself, others, and my world and direct myself to look at what is here, clearly, for what’s really here and not via pre-defined words, polarities, and/or expectations.

Move and direct myself to stand alone in the dark and in silence – inside and outside – so that I can look at and self-forgive the fears that come to the surface via thoughts, memories, pictures, and/or words within myself as my mind.

Self-Corrective Statements

As I see that I am reacting to my fear of death while alone in the dark I stop reacting. I slow down, breath, and look back to the thought in which I triggered my fear of death. I self-forgive the thought/picture/word/memory that I used to trigger my fear of death within the dark.

As I see that I am reacting to my pre-programmed fear of the dark within myself as my mind as panic, distrust, unease, and seeking out a source of light, I stop. I remain in the dark within breath and push myself within my fear of the dark. I find silence within myself within breath, clear myself, and direct myself to be comfortable with/in the dark. I push myself to not turn on the light unless necessary.

As my son expresses his fear of the dark and I see myself reacting to his expression by wanting to suppress his fear of the dark or support his fear of the dark via coddling and/or positive reinforcement, I stop. I breath. I do not react to my son’s fear of the dark. I allow my son to express himself within his fear of the dark and I listen for clues within him as a mirror of myself to assist me in understanding my pre-programmed fear of the dark that I have passed on to him. I see my son as equally as responsible as myself within accepting and allowing the fear of the dark. I realize that I must first understand my own fear of the dark and be clear within the point before I can assist and support him with his fear of the dark.

As I see the image of the caring, loving, supportive mother that cradles a child to sleep as a means to soothe the child’s fear, I stop. I no longer allow myself to pressure myself into being this mother that I’ve allowed myself to create within my mind based on my wants, needs, and expectations. I no longer allow myself to pressure myself to become this image of this caregiver in response to what others have expressed to me as their wants, needs and expectations of a caregiver. I realize that this image exists in myself as my mind only and is not real. I realize that this image is not me. I direct myself to investigate and experiment with solutions that are equal and one to myself, real, practical, and livable. I share proven solutions with my son and others. I assist and support myself by assisting and supporting others within practical, livable solutions.

As I project myself as my mind onto myself and others, I see how by accepting and allowing myself project myself as my mind on to others that I have created my reality within which I live and face the consequences of each moment. I direct myself to stop creating myself and others as myself within and as my mind. As I make judgments of others and myself, I stop. I breath. I stop myself from imposing and/or impressing myself as my mind upon myself and others.

As I see my fears as separate from me as indicated by my judgment of words, pictures, images, people, animals, sceneries and/or memories as being ‘bad’ or ‘scarey’ or something to be feared, then I will stop. I breath. I slow myself down. I look at the words, pictures, images, people, animals, sceneries, and/or memories and see myself within. I direct myself to remove definitions of bad, scarey, fearful, feared, horrid, and dangerous from myself.

As I see and/or realize that I am seeking out the ‘good’ in myself, others, and my world as a way of accepting myself, others, and my world within myself as ‘okay’, I stop. I direct myself to stop placing a ‘positive’ value on myself, others, and my world and instead, work on clearing myself from these positive definitions so that I see myself, others, and my world for what we are, here, clear and silent.

As I see myself as rushing myself within the darkness to get to a light source or a place of comfort, I slow down. I allow myself to enjoy being alone in the dark.

Don’t Bite Your Friends!

My son has been ill for several days – he’s had a fever, his nose has been stuffed up, he’s been sleeping a lot during the day and then he developed a swollen gland.  I took him to the ‘doctor’ (Physician’s Assistant) yesterday and it was determined that he has strep throat.  So we’re on the road to recovery now but man, it’s been rough as he’s incredibly needy when he’s sick and up every 1-2 hours during the night crying for me.

I’ve experienced myself as ‘worn down’ in a way but not entirely –  I’m not as ‘cranky’ as I expected so my ‘mood’ hasn’t changed.  Difficulty expressing what is is exactly that I am and I’m hesitant to describe myself as more ‘open’.  Perhaps that is it.

A Blue Pussy, a Dildo, a Robot, a Uterus, a bi-polar Stoner, and a Furry DJ teaching our children Morals.

Last night, the TV was playing in the background and it was on a child’s show called ‘Yo Gabba Gabba!’.  This show has always fascinated me because the characters are a reflection of us and what is here as their physical forms are created to be a one-eyed-dildo, a flowering-uterus, a green-moody-monster, a robot, and a blue cat (which I don’t get that one).  While it was playing out in the background, the characters began to chant and sing, ‘Don’t Bite Your Friends!’ and I sang along.  Below is a YouTube link to this segment of the show:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6UWNA-WQgI

The song is still in me.  And this is me, an adult, at 40 years old with all the other layers of memories, experiences, emotions and feelings within me.  I see the impact that this must have on a young, developing mind system and I am in awe of this.  I realize that the television is teaching my child morals – not me.  And I accept and allow this because through the TV and watching my parents, is how I developed my base layer of morals.

Within this realization, I begin to watch what my son is watching on the television and experience many ‘what the fuck?’ moments as what I’ve learned about myself by using the tools and support available from Desteni, goes ‘against’ what I’m watching on TV.  These shows are teaching my child what to expect and how to survive within these expectations as the current system.

Clever.

So, considering the potential for development with education policies and looking at moral development for the age group of 1-6 months, my starting point is a memory of when my husband first put our son in front of the TV within this age grouping and I remember being pissed-off about it but I did not have any sort of standing back then – as everything inside of me was an absolute mess of ideas, beliefs, and emotions:  I did not want the TV to impress on my child because I was told that TV is bad for kids and yet, at the same time, I was getting a ‘break’, we could relax as a family, and I could further justify that what he was watching was ‘educational’.

Educational. LOL. So true.

If I am being told by others outside of myself that ‘TV is BAD’ for children, this makes me question the statement as no one is saying ‘TV is GOOD’ for children. Hmm.  Myself, I enjoy learning by watching and listening to media – this is how I came to Desteni in the first place and I learn and/or retain more of the material by watching/listening then reading.  Is it because of the fact that I was ‘raised’ by the TV, is it how I, as my mind, learns, or both?

We humans are the mind and from my perspective, when looking practical, responsible solutions for educating ourselves and our children, we need to be aware that we are educating the Human Robot and not a Desteni ‘I’ Process participant nor another who has walked here with Desteni.  We need to approach this curriculum practically within presenting solutions that are effective within how we will be existing within the timeline we’ve established for the implementation of an Equal Money System. Let’s not exclude the effectiveness of the television.  Let’s investigate ways of taking the LIE out Tell-LIE-Vision and making it a PRACTIVISION.