385. The Most Important Job in the World: Parenting

Original blog by Marlen Vargas Delrazo.

Here Marlen identifies the ‘missing link’ that parents continue to overlook when raising children. Definitely a must read.

MarlenLife's Blog

El cuarto desnudo/The naked room from AMBULANTE on Vimeo.

“The naked room” shows a whole world without leaving a single space: the examination room in a children’s hospital in Mexico City. Listening to the children, their parents and the doctors during consultations allows us to have a more profound and complex view of our social reality and of human nature.

The Naked Room exposes the complex and hard situations that are the consequence of something as simple as a kid wishing for a more loving brother. Also, the behavior of people with a mental disorder, a condition that always affects the loved ones (sometimes even physically). Ibáñez has not created a documentary to be enjoyed by everybody per se, I mean, we’re dealing with a brutal theme in a very direct way, with no pauses; it’s a constant display of human sadness and mental problems.

It can be easily…

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I Will Take Everything Away – Day 16

“When your child starts to misbehave, deprive him of something he values. “Take away his toys, take away his covers, take away his blanket,” Dr. Phil advises. “Whatever his currency is, he needs to know, When I do A, I lose B.’ Take it away, and he doesn’t see it again … Make a ceremony out of it. On Saturday, take it to the shelter and give it to the poor children.” Once you understand what your child values, and you control the currency, then you shape the child.” – Dr. Phil, Advice For Getting Your Child To Do Anything

Shock

Photographer Jill Greenberg’s latest exhibition, “End Times,” features children crying – like the child seen here in ‘Shock.’ The children are provoked by Greenberg taking away their candy or toys. This technique is known as “manipulation.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that a parent must have control of their child’s behavior – by any means necessary including threatening to take away the things the child values and/or the child sees as important.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I would like a child to be/behave.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my mind-imaginations on to a living, physical being – a child.  And in my attempt to make my imaginations real, I use any means necessary including taking away or threatening to take away real physical objects that a child plays with, interacts with, and enjoys.  In fact, I take away the things that I have encouraged the child to attach a relationship connection to.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to place myself in the shoes of the child.  How would I experience myself if someone outside of myself deliberately deprived me of something I have and value in order to control me and get me to do what they want?  This is blackmail.  This is enslavement. I am doing it and I am teaching the child to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other parents and children who aren’t demonstrating behaviors and/or discipline that is aligned with how I think they they should be.  When I pick people apart like this and have a dialogue with my self or others about this, I am doing it so that I can feel better about myself.  Yes, I bring others down so that I can be up.  See, most of the time I am judging myself harshly – comparing myself to others and seeing myself as inferior.  Instead of questioning why I do this, I continue to criticize myself and others up in my mind over-and-over-and-over again.  Even further, I do not question where these judgments came from and why I accepted them in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear, anger, frustration, and/or impatience when and as a child is not behaving as per my expectations.  I have allowed negative emotions to accumulate within and as me and have attempted to suppress/ignore the emotions rather than investigate, release, and change who I am throughout my daily experiences.  So, these little things that I do not deal with accumulate into things that are much bigger and because I have not taken responsibility for myself and refuse to do so, I blame how I am experiencing myself on the child that is apparently misbehaving, take it out on them, and expect the child to be stable for me so that I do not have to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed to see, realize, and understand that taking away what a child values – that which I have encouraged them to attach a relationship connection of happiness to – is evil.  It is abusive because it is deliberately manipulating and harming another for my own fear self-interests that I refuse to take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I have deliberately manipulated and harmed many others that I have or have had relationships with where I threaten to take away the things that are important, have meaning, and/or are of value to them.  And just as I attempt to control children and expect them to change so that I do not have to, I attempt to control others and expect them to change as per my unreal, imaginations in my mind that benefit me only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry with parents who are too harsh on their children and threaten to and/or actually take away the things that their children value as a way to control the child’s behavior.  In my mind, I wish ‘bad things’ on these parents and blame them for children’s problems and the problems in the world.  What I do not hear is that I am in-fact communicating to myself about myself: I do exactly the same thing and that I am angry with myself about it.  I do not hear this because I don’t want to and it’s easier to simply place my blame and project my anger on someone else rather than facing myself, taking responsibility for myself, and changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that by allowing myself to believe, follow, and enforce the taking away of a what a child values, which is their currency,  if they do not submit, is teaching the child to be completely controlled by money/currency/possessions.  I am raising the child to not allow themselves to express themselves, to not communicate what the problem is, to not work on solutions that all can agree upon, to be submissive, and integrate themselves into the system – or else — Or else their money, their currency, their possessions, and the other things that they value will be taken from them and they will have nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and enslaved by money, currency, and the things that I value that are obtained with money/currency.  Instead of questioning this control and enslavement and what events in my life lead to my acceptance and allowance of this control and enslavement via money/currency, I simply make sure that I follow the rules, do as I am told, and behave – I mean, as long as I’m being ‘good’ and am willing to work for it, I can have anything I want.  Within this, I am in no position to stand as an example for a young mind and I am certainly in no position to be responsible for that life because as long as I am influenced by my self-interested fears and enforcing my mind on my external reality, I cannot be trusted to make decisions that are best for the child or anyone else.