How To Stop Parental Guilt – Day 10

Here continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements from How To Prevent Myself From Getting Angry At My Child – Day 8 and How To Stop Beating Up On Myself – Day 9

See How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1 for the Writing Myself Out part of this point and Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2 through War Within War Without – Day 7 for my Self-Forgiveness process.

When and as I see that I am judging as an irresponsible, unworthy, and the worst possible person because I did not consider the consequences of bringing another child into this world, I stop. Instead of participating in these thoughts, I assist and support myself to release myself from such judgments with self-forgiveness so that I no longer place myself in this continuous cycle of guilt, remorse, and self-pity and thus can really investigate and apply ways to be a responsible, worthy, and best parent possible.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that ‘I screwed up’ and other nastiness about myself having a child before I was able to get myself stable by reminding myself that I cannot change the consequence of my decisions, including having children, and within this, no longer accept and allow myself to get caught up in this where I instead look at, test, and practice ways to best take care of a child, a family, and myself.

When and as I see that I am fearing raising, teaching, programming a child to be violent, abusive, and a bully, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that fearing raising, teaching, programming a child to be violent, abusive and a bully has changed nothing – this fear has not stopped me from doing any of this as I have directly taught them that being violent, abusive, and a bully is okay. Instead of allowing myself to participate in and be directed by this one fear in a given moment, I stop, remind myself that this fear exists only in my mind, self-forgive myself for the points that come up, and walk the correction.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow my fear of how I could negatively raise, teach, and or program a child to be and within this, no longer accepting and allowing this fear to direct my decisions about what is best for a child, a family, the world, and a child’s future participation in the world. When and as these fears that I will turn a child violent, abusive, and/or a bully emerge, I assist and support myself with self-forgiveness and then look at, investigate, and/or get support for ways to prevent the child from the abusive living that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself, my relationships, and my world. Additionally, I remind myself that as I change to no longer accepting and allowing abuse that I will assist and support the child to do the same. It’s a win-win.

When and as I see that I’m attempting to pretend to ignore a child or anyone else when they ‘act out’, I breath and bring myself back to here where I am present and here for support if needed. I see, realize, and understand that ignoring the problem/behavior leads to and/or places me in an experience of lost-ness, hopelessness, and not pushing myself to figure out solutions and ways to support a child that are best.

I commit myself to no longer ignore and/or pretend to ignore what it is that I want to ‘go away’ by allowing myself to face it – even though what I’m seeing is ‘bad’ and by my mind interpretation, should not be. This applies to how I handle a child’s ‘bad/non-acceptable behavior’ in that I no longer accept and allow myself to ignore and/or pretend to ignore what I see as ‘bad/non-acceptable behavior’ within the hope that it will ‘go away’. I remind myself that I must see and understand the problem, the bad, the non-acceptable if/when/as I am able to come up with workable solutions so that problems, the bad, and the non-acceptable no longer continue to persist.

Within this, I commit myself to investigating what I’m seeing as bad, removing the reactions with the tools of writing and self-forgiveness, and testing/practicing solutions for what I find is best to no longer exist.

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How To Stop Beating Up On Myself – Day 9

This post continues Self-Correction and Self-Commitment statements from How To Prevent Myself From Getting Angry At My Child – Day 8.

See How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1 for the Writing Myself Out part of this point and Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2 through War Within War Without – Day 7 for my Self-Forgiveness process.

When and as I see that I am at that point where I want to make the event/situation stop by reacting and/or releasing my anger, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that all that I am required to do is be here and hear – I do not have to participate.

When and as I see/hear myself showing/telling myself that I am a Bad Parent and/or when, as a result of this, I experience guilt, remorse, and/or sadness, I remind myself that this is not me – that what/who I am showing myself that I am is in direct conflict with who I want to be and to accept and allow myself to participate in the Thoughts gets me caught up and at the mercy of my mind instead of working on practical solutions to become the parent that is best and that I want myself to be. When and as the Thought comes up ‘I am a bad parent because …’, I assist and support myself to release myself from this conflicting information about myself with self-forgiveness and then work on becoming the parent that is more aligned with myself with practical self-correction and then making the decision to walk my correction. Additionally, I see within this that I must pay particular attention the judgments/perceptions/beliefs/and backchat that come up.

I commit myself to stopping my acceptance and allowance of self-judgment, guilt, remorse, sadness, and telling myself the nasty things that I do like ‘I am a Bad Parent that does not deserve children’ by assisting and supporting myself to remove the nastiness and the emotions from myself with writing and self-forgiveness and to investigate, look at, and test out ways that will make me the best parent and human being that I can be.

When and as I hear myself considering allowing myself to be used as a physical ‘punching bag’, I stop. I see, realize and understand that if I allow my child to hit/physically hurt me that I am teaching them that hitting/being hit is ‘okay’. I remind myself of the consequences of allowing abuse of any kind and within this, I no longer accept nor allow myself to offer myself physically to my child or anyone else to let out anger, beat me, hit me, ‘get it all out’, and/or as a punching bag.

I commit myself to no longer allow my child or anyone else to physically ‘let out his anger’ on me. I remind myself that this is how I in-fact teach/show that it’s ‘okay’ to be physically abusive. So, I stop. From here – no more.

How To Prevent Myself From Getting Angry At My Child – Day 8

This post begins the process of writing Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements for realizations of myself within Self-Forgiveness that was written here:

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

Why Can’t I Get Being A Parent Right? – Day 4

Why Am I Reacting? – Day 5

So, Why Am I REALLY Angry? – Day 6

War Within War Without – Day 7

When and as I see that I am reacting to an event that I see as uncontrollable and potentially stressful, I stop. I stabilize myself with breathing. I see, realize, and understand that if I react that this is self-dishonest and within/as this dishonesty, I create self-anger. Additionally, if I separate myself from the event and react, that I miss an opportunity to be self-honest, establish self-trust, and to assist and support myself to remove anger from myself.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing my anger to direct me and/or accumulate within and as me by breathing to stabilize myself and using the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to assist and support myself to release myself from my anger, to stand up and become the directive principle in my living and to prevent anger in the future by being/becoming self-honest.

When and as I see that I am reacting or about to react to my child’s expression of anger, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that whatever they are doing or saying is not about me and that it’s about how they are experiencing themselves and if I react that I will not be able to assist and support them with communicating with me/themselves, understanding themselves, and re-directing themselves. Instead of allowing myself to react, I investigate myself and look for ways that I can assist both my child and myself to be self-honest.

I commit myself to continue to practice not reacting to my child by: breathing, facing myself as the child assists in bringing up points, no longer accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my anger/reactions with blame, practicing counting my words, placing a guard on my thoughts, and to practice ‘being a like a tree‘.

When and as my child or anyone else outside of myself shows anger and/or frustration directed at me or not directed at me, I remind myself that this anger and/or frustration is not personal and that the anger and/or frustration one is experiencing is in-fact with themselves – just as it is with me being angry and/or frustrated with myself for accepting and allowing myself to live self-dishonestly. Instead of reacting, I stop, I breath, and I wait for the energy to pass.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to be/become overwhelmed with irritation and conflict by no longer accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in myself as my mind’s fear and to instead breath and remind myself that: What I resist persists. So, within this, instead of resisting, ignoring, and/or trying to make the uncomfortable events outside of myself stop, I work on stopping how these uncomfortable events direct/move/change me from within with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction so that I can I stand as an example of how it is actually possible to stand, be responsible, and be countable regardless of how ‘tough’ or ‘hard’ or ‘impossible’ changing/making changes in one’s world may look within/as/through the filtration of our minds.

War Within War Without – Day 7

Here continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

Why Can’t I Get Being A Parent Right? – Day 4

Why Am I Reacting? – Day 5

So, Why Am I REALLY Angry? – Day 6

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that I am angry at myself for allowing myself to exist as I am as fear, guilt, shame, sadness, regret, distrust, not being good enough, and inferiority – I have not seen nor realized that there could be a better existence for myself when and as I stop, stand up, change how I direct my moment-to-moment living, and transform myself instead of accepting that I have limited potential as a parent and a human being. I have not been honest with myself that I have been aware of myself allowing myself to exist like this all along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my anger together with fear of others and the need, desire, and want for protection, has brought about the manifestation design and creation of weapons and the reason why war exists in itself – my support of war, murder, and violence is my minds ultimate opportunity to discharge of fierce anger. Instead of seeing myself as directly and/or indirectly responsible for war, murder, and other abuses by accepting and allowing fear and anger of/at myself and others to exist within and as me, I separated myself from it as, “This has nothing to do with me. This wasn’t my decision.” — Even on the surface, this separation is dishonest because at the time that the War On Terrorism began in my country, I was in 100% support of this because I saw this as an opportunity for my country to gain status, wealth, power, make sure that we get the spoils of war, make other countries fearful of us, and to insure that other countries would not ‘mess with us’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself when and as I became aware of the value of life that I had before that supported murder and violence – and because I was not honest with myself about who/what I accepted and allowed myself to become that was unaligned with who/what I wanted to be, I further accumulated, suppressed, and ignored my anger with myself.

The next post begins Self-Correction.

So, Why Am I REALLY Angry? – Day 6

Here continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

Why Can’t I Get Being A Parent Right? – Day 4

Why Am I Reacting? – Day 5

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I am/become angry, that I am an in-fact angry at myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that there exists only one kind of angeranger at myself.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this one anger at myself that I have is a consequence of me not being self-honest – and because I am not allowing myself to see myself as the cause/source/origin of my anger and because I do not want to be seen as an ‘angry person‘, I project and suppress my anger so that I do not have to experience it – within this, what I have not seen is that I AM going to experience it – one way or another. The anger is going to emerge from myself as accumulated anger until I blow or I’m going to see outside of myself in/as others and my world. I have not considered stopping and facing the points of self-dishonesty that are the cause of my anger instead of trying to run, hide, ignore, or push the points away.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to STOP myself when and as I experience anger – when and as I am experiencing anger, I become mind-possessed rather than breathing and asking myself: WHY am I angry? WHERE did this anger start? WHICH POINTS in my world have I not been honest with myself about? — If I had allowed myself to ask myself these questions and bring my anger back to myself, I would have assisted and supported myself to not become that ‘angry person‘ that I don’t want to be.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when another is directing their anger at me, that they are actually angry at themselves for points that they have not been honest with themselves about – the very same thing that I do. Because I have not seen, realized, nor understood this, I take it personal when others direct their anger at me and so I direct my anger at them – I have not allowed myself to see this scenario for what it is: two or more self-dishonest people within separation from ourselves and attempting force another to experience our anger so that we do not have to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others anger personally, become angry, and then express my anger/outrage at this rather than seeing that it is not personal, not becoming angry, not participating in the fight/battle/competition, breathing, and waiting it out until the energy runs out. I have not allowed myself to see and realize that I do not have to participate in this game.

Why Am I Reacting? – Day 5

In this post continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

Why Can’t I Get Being A Parent Right? – Day 4

depsicologia.com.wp-content.uploads.manipulation5_thumb

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thoughts, “I can’t be a good parent. I can’t do this. I won’t do this. I’m not good enough,” to exist within and as me. I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have allowed these thoughts to integrate into and as me because of my fear of failure. Where, at the same time, I see myself as having something to prove and so I push myself and I push my child which keeps us both locked in a polarity battle – as I battle within, I battle without with my child. All the while that I’m busy battling within and without, I’m missing me, my child, my life, and our life together here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that battling with inside with myself and outside with my child has never been a solution – it changes nothing and does more harm than good. Instead of allowing myself to be here with myself and my child and finding out ways for us to live and express ourselves, I accept and allow myself to exist within reactive responses day-in-and-day-out. This is my ‘life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-and-over-again allow myself to experience and uncomfortableness with my child’s outbursts that I hear as loud and nerve grating. I also experience this uncomfortableness with many of the Words that they choose to express as who they are in that moment – when the child begins expressing backchat, I have a fear response as, “What if I allow this and they ‘slip up’ in front of one of my friends, an older family member, or someone that does not approve of swearing?” Again, I become angry at myself because I see myself as not bringing an acceptable representation of myself out into this world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the polarity trap I’ve created for within myself in-relation to how I allow my child to express themselves, where: One part of me would like to allow the child to swear/express whatever Words best describe how they are experiencing themselves/others and on the other side, I see that allowing a child to swear and express themselves is Wrong and only something that a Bad, irresponsible parent would allow. So, again, this adds additional fuel to my self-anger which I then project onto my child and attempt to make them change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest within the point of my child being loud, having outbursts, and swearing and then me telling myself that I fear what others will say/act-out/think as a reaction – here I am attempting to separate myself from my reactions to the noises and Words by lying to myself and saying, “It’s their fault my child cannot express themselves as they like,” when all the while it’s been me reacting and not wanting see/hear/experience my mind and mind-body uncomfortableness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that Words and certain ways that Words are expressed ‘play me like a fiddle’ – because of my separation from myself as I react, I did not notice this. I have been wholly controlled like a puppet on a string.

Why Can’t I Get Being A Parent Right? – Day 4

And continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt over-and-over-again in response to me telling myself that, “I’m doing this wrong. I’m going to mess this child up. I made the wrong decision to bring life into this world.” Because I fear that I have already made many mistakes that cannot be changed, that I’ve already screwed my child up, and that someday my child will see this and end up hating me and/or not wanting anything to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to, “I’m doing this wrong. I’m going to mess this child up. I made the wrong decision to bring life into this world. The mistakes I’ve made cannot be changed. I’ve already screwed my child up. Someday my child will see my mistakes and end up hating me and/or not want anything to do with me.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that these fears about losing my child or messing them up are not real – in that, these things may or may not happen but they are not here in the moment. And that when I allow these fears, I am allowing the reactions to the fears that lead to anger and then my unstable expression of anger. I have not allowed myself to consider: That if I let go of my fears of losing my child, that this will assist and support me with sorting out and/or stopping my mind anger possession.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that if I cannot raise a stable, ‘perfected’ child that I will be seen as a failure in the eyes of my fellow Destonians. I have not allowed myself to see that this is not a self-honest point because when I apply this to the support that has been given to me as well as shown via the blogs, vlogs, chats, assignments, the forum, and other group participation, the Destonians are doing the same as I am – taking responsibility for themselves – so, for me to tell myself that ‘they’re going to judge/hate/get rid of me’ makes NO SENSE – and by allowing this fear of failure/loss, I am allowing separation of myself from the group, myself, and the points that have the potential of accumulating into anger. From breath to breath, I have not allowed myself to walk within the decision to stop fear so that I can stop myself from being distracted by it and, instead, focusing my efforts here on developing myself so that I can realize my potential as a parent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself, “I can’t be a good parent. I can’t do this.” Or, “I can do this but I won’t because I don’t want to do what it takes.” I have not seen that great amount of self-anger this creates within and as me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not committing myself to raise a stable, educated, and caring human being. Instead of actually making the decision to raise my child in the best way possible, I run-away from the decision because if my thoughts are correct and I do mess up and am not successful, I can easily abdicate my responsibility within the process as, “Sorry. I guess I just didn’t commit myself as much as a should have.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself accountable for any mistakes within my application as a parent.

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

Here I am continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:  Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the time to understand my anger and to get it sorted out before I made the decision to have children.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously judge myself as irresponsible, unworthy, and as the worst possible kind of person because I did not consider the consequences of bringing a child into an unstable home. A result of this judgment is that I live in a constant and continuous state of guilt, remorse, and self-pity instead of standing, stopping, investigating myself, and taking a real self-honest look at the parent that I want to be and could be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will raise/teach/program my child to be violent, abusive, and a bully. Regardless of the fact that I have shown myself over-and-over again that my fears prevent nothing and that I end up manifesting what I’m fearing, I have continued to allow my fear to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to ignore my child when they ‘act out’ because I have allowed myself to believe that if I ignore bad behavior that the bad behavior will go away. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not pay attention to what I see as ‘not acceptable behavior’ then the bad behavior will stop. Regardless of the fact that I have seen and experienced that this does not work time-and-time again, I keep trying to use this ‘ignore the bad’ technique because I have placed myself in a position of seeing myself as lost, hopeless, and not knowing the best thing to do for the child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into the opposite polarity with my child when and as I see Good Behavior – when and as they show behavior that I like I will reward them with praise, physical demonstrations of love, and attention.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the consequences of myself moving from anger, to ignorance, to loving with my child where within this, I shift between personalities, confuse my child and attempt to keep them under control. The child often says to me, “You’re being mean.” “Aww. You’re back to being nice to me again.” Or, “Are you okay mom? What’s wrong?” I am sending them constant and continual conflicting ‘signals’ about who/what I am where who/what I am is unstable, having no solid stance, and reacting moment-by-moment to my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as an unstable, self-dishonest, and a reactive person onto my child where I see them as having a problem and being the problem instead of seeing that I am the problem and/or the cause of the problem and being honest with myself about this so that I will stop and change what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that a very young child sort out their anger when I, an adult, still have not sorted out mine. I have not allowed myself to place myself in the child’s shoes where, when I was young, I could easily pick-out where adults were telling me to do something that they were not doing themselves – and within this, I saw that the adults had no grounds to tell me, that they were ignorant, that they did not understand, and what they said could not be trusted. Instead of re-minding myself of this, I repeated the patterns of the adults in my life because it is easier to pawn off responsibility then to actually give how I would have liked to be given.

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

In this post I begin writing self-forgiveness for what I have written on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1 so that I can see what I have been accepting and allowing which will assist and support me to take responsibility for my decision to become angry and to see myself for who and what I have allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to control my anger – I have not allowed myself to perfect not reacting to stressful and/or uncontrollable events by breathing until I am stable. Instead of stabilizing myself with breath, I allow the anger to accumulate within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my child’s anger, screaming, swearing, hitting, throwing, and jumping up-and-down is them showing me to me. I have not wanted to face the fact that these expressions of anger are my expressions that I have shown them and programmed into and as them. And because I do not want to face myself as this anger, I react and separate myself from it – where, instead of taking responsibly for the anger and expressions of anger, I blame my experience of myself within and as anger on my child as: This is all them. Not me. They are doing this to me. They are making me react.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my child when they are angry and frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become so overwhelmed with irritation and conflict with myself in a situation that I am not in-control of stopping that I react with/as fear – when I allow my fear to take over, I become completely mind-possessed and act physically to create fear so that I can get control of an overwhelmingly uncomfortable situation/experience/event and make it stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for my reactions and actions to anger and within this, subject myself to guilt, remorse, sadness, and telling myself that I am a Bad Parent that does not deserve children. Instead of looking at ways that I can change myself in the future to not allow the reactions to accumulate and/or investigate ways to avoid/remove conflict, I allow myself to consume myself with negative emotions and backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my child to physically let their anger out on me where I will allow them to hit me and beat on me with objects in hopes that they will be able to ‘get it all out’ and stop. My putting myself in the position of being their ‘punching bag’ hasn’t changed anything and in-fact, allows the situation/event to become much-much worse where they will hit harder and become destructive. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I allow myself to become physically hurt as a way to try to avoid conflict and guilt – additionally, I do this to overcompensate for what I see as not being good enough about myself as a person and a parent.

How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1

Art By Andrew Gable

I found that it is often difficult to control my anger with my child.  This is more difficult when the child is expressing anger themselves where they are in a fit of rage that includes screaming, crying, swearing, hitting, throwing stuff, and stomping up-and-down.  To add to the intensity of the experience, my child will follow me from room-to-room with this behavior so many times it seems impossible that I can get myself to a space away from the situation where I can stabilize myself.  What eventually happens here is that I get to the point of where I can’t take it anymore and I end up yelling, demanding that the child stop ‘Or Else’, and in the worst cases, physically restraining them.  I have tried talking them through it, I have tried getting them to breath with me, and I’ve tried using distraction – these do not work for very long before the child is back at it again.  I have even tried saying Self-Forgiveness out-loud with the child but this puts them ‘over the edge’ and they becomes abusive and destructive.  In my mind, I work on other ways to approach this with my child to support us and I do not come up with anything that is lasting.  This causes me a great deal of emotion because I am constantly in-conflict with my child – some moments we are calm and some moments it is hell.

I realize that I cannot support my child to sort out their anger until I sort my own anger out.  Also, I feel guilty constantly because I take their anger personal – I mean, I AM responsible for their anger – I birthed the child, I created them, and I’m the main caregiver.  It IS my fault.  I’m also the one responsible for figuring out how to fix this – and I haven’t been able to so I’m feeling like a bad parent and not worthy to take care of and raise a child.

Why am I angry?

I am angry at myself that I cannot diffuse or stop my child’s anger.  I am angry at myself because their outbursts make me extremely uncomfortable: the loud, nerve-grating noise, the physical attacks, and spoken backchat.  I fear what will happen if I don’t stop it and I fear of what will happen if I do.  In my mind I tell myself that I should have this under-control and the fact that I don’t makes me a Bad Parent and a Bad Destonian.  I am angry at myself for bringing a child into the world when I have no clue how to support them – and, if they end up growing into being a bully, violent, and an abuser then I am directly responsible.  I am angry at myself for not knowing any other way to control the child other than using force and fear.

So, after I wrote the above entry, I saw that my child was getting frustrated and angry from a video game that they were playing.  This anger and frustration would ‘set them off’ and I was not able to get them stable with breathing.  That night, we discussed making some changes as the way that we are living is not cool and is not what is best for us.  We agreed that I would collect the video games and that we would work on ourselves and our anger so that we could enjoy our time together.

Since then, our anger has been improving daily which has given us the opportunity to work on the points that lead to anger and points that we express our anger.

From here, with support, I continued to walk the process of understanding my anger and how to no longer allow my anger to control and direct me in the future.  I will be sharing this process in the blogs that follow.