So, Why Am I REALLY Angry? – Day 6

Here continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

Why Can’t I Get Being A Parent Right? – Day 4

Why Am I Reacting? – Day 5

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I am/become angry, that I am an in-fact angry at myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that there exists only one kind of angeranger at myself.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this one anger at myself that I have is a consequence of me not being self-honest – and because I am not allowing myself to see myself as the cause/source/origin of my anger and because I do not want to be seen as an ‘angry person‘, I project and suppress my anger so that I do not have to experience it – within this, what I have not seen is that I AM going to experience it – one way or another. The anger is going to emerge from myself as accumulated anger until I blow or I’m going to see outside of myself in/as others and my world. I have not considered stopping and facing the points of self-dishonesty that are the cause of my anger instead of trying to run, hide, ignore, or push the points away.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to STOP myself when and as I experience anger – when and as I am experiencing anger, I become mind-possessed rather than breathing and asking myself: WHY am I angry? WHERE did this anger start? WHICH POINTS in my world have I not been honest with myself about? — If I had allowed myself to ask myself these questions and bring my anger back to myself, I would have assisted and supported myself to not become that ‘angry person‘ that I don’t want to be.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when another is directing their anger at me, that they are actually angry at themselves for points that they have not been honest with themselves about – the very same thing that I do. Because I have not seen, realized, nor understood this, I take it personal when others direct their anger at me and so I direct my anger at them – I have not allowed myself to see this scenario for what it is: two or more self-dishonest people within separation from ourselves and attempting force another to experience our anger so that we do not have to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others anger personally, become angry, and then express my anger/outrage at this rather than seeing that it is not personal, not becoming angry, not participating in the fight/battle/competition, breathing, and waiting it out until the energy runs out. I have not allowed myself to see and realize that I do not have to participate in this game.

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Why Can’t I Get Being A Parent Right? – Day 4

And continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt over-and-over-again in response to me telling myself that, “I’m doing this wrong. I’m going to mess this child up. I made the wrong decision to bring life into this world.” Because I fear that I have already made many mistakes that cannot be changed, that I’ve already screwed my child up, and that someday my child will see this and end up hating me and/or not wanting anything to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to, “I’m doing this wrong. I’m going to mess this child up. I made the wrong decision to bring life into this world. The mistakes I’ve made cannot be changed. I’ve already screwed my child up. Someday my child will see my mistakes and end up hating me and/or not want anything to do with me.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that these fears about losing my child or messing them up are not real – in that, these things may or may not happen but they are not here in the moment. And that when I allow these fears, I am allowing the reactions to the fears that lead to anger and then my unstable expression of anger. I have not allowed myself to consider: That if I let go of my fears of losing my child, that this will assist and support me with sorting out and/or stopping my mind anger possession.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that if I cannot raise a stable, ‘perfected’ child that I will be seen as a failure in the eyes of my fellow Destonians. I have not allowed myself to see that this is not a self-honest point because when I apply this to the support that has been given to me as well as shown via the blogs, vlogs, chats, assignments, the forum, and other group participation, the Destonians are doing the same as I am – taking responsibility for themselves – so, for me to tell myself that ‘they’re going to judge/hate/get rid of me’ makes NO SENSE – and by allowing this fear of failure/loss, I am allowing separation of myself from the group, myself, and the points that have the potential of accumulating into anger. From breath to breath, I have not allowed myself to walk within the decision to stop fear so that I can stop myself from being distracted by it and, instead, focusing my efforts here on developing myself so that I can realize my potential as a parent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself, “I can’t be a good parent. I can’t do this.” Or, “I can do this but I won’t because I don’t want to do what it takes.” I have not seen that great amount of self-anger this creates within and as me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not committing myself to raise a stable, educated, and caring human being. Instead of actually making the decision to raise my child in the best way possible, I run-away from the decision because if my thoughts are correct and I do mess up and am not successful, I can easily abdicate my responsibility within the process as, “Sorry. I guess I just didn’t commit myself as much as a should have.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself accountable for any mistakes within my application as a parent.

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

In this post I begin writing self-forgiveness for what I have written on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1 so that I can see what I have been accepting and allowing which will assist and support me to take responsibility for my decision to become angry and to see myself for who and what I have allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to control my anger – I have not allowed myself to perfect not reacting to stressful and/or uncontrollable events by breathing until I am stable. Instead of stabilizing myself with breath, I allow the anger to accumulate within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my child’s anger, screaming, swearing, hitting, throwing, and jumping up-and-down is them showing me to me. I have not wanted to face the fact that these expressions of anger are my expressions that I have shown them and programmed into and as them. And because I do not want to face myself as this anger, I react and separate myself from it – where, instead of taking responsibly for the anger and expressions of anger, I blame my experience of myself within and as anger on my child as: This is all them. Not me. They are doing this to me. They are making me react.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my child when they are angry and frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become so overwhelmed with irritation and conflict with myself in a situation that I am not in-control of stopping that I react with/as fear – when I allow my fear to take over, I become completely mind-possessed and act physically to create fear so that I can get control of an overwhelmingly uncomfortable situation/experience/event and make it stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for my reactions and actions to anger and within this, subject myself to guilt, remorse, sadness, and telling myself that I am a Bad Parent that does not deserve children. Instead of looking at ways that I can change myself in the future to not allow the reactions to accumulate and/or investigate ways to avoid/remove conflict, I allow myself to consume myself with negative emotions and backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my child to physically let their anger out on me where I will allow them to hit me and beat on me with objects in hopes that they will be able to ‘get it all out’ and stop. My putting myself in the position of being their ‘punching bag’ hasn’t changed anything and in-fact, allows the situation/event to become much-much worse where they will hit harder and become destructive. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I allow myself to become physically hurt as a way to try to avoid conflict and guilt – additionally, I do this to overcompensate for what I see as not being good enough about myself as a person and a parent.