Does Spanking Result In Respect? – Day 19

Tonight, this photo appeared in my Facebook feed:

1,433,614 people like this.
457,953 shares

Obviously, this statement is a lie – and as with the majority of lies, it is a something that we tell ourselves to feel better about ourselves and something that we’re doing because we are actually aware that we are not responding in the best way.  In this case, the obvious truth is that spanking does not result in a child having respect for others – no, spanking results in a child fearing and being angry with themselves and others.  To prove this, all that one has to do is to go back to when your parents spanked you or if you have forgotten, place yourself in the shoes of the child.  Are you thinking about how you’ve just learned a lesson in Respect? Highly unlikely.

How are you feeling? Shocked? Confused? Dis-empowered? Violated? Scared? Distrustful? Angry?

How many parents stop, ask themselves WHY the child apparently has behavioral and psychological conditions?  Why is the child being accused of being a bully?  Why is the child anxious? Why does the child not listen and follow the parent’s direction? Why does the parent have to coax, plead, beg, yell, threaten and attempt all sorts of ‘tricks’ to get the child moving? Why does the child cry and often scream like they are in actual physical pain?

Why do parents continue to spank the child despite the fact that the child is showing over-and-over-and-over again that the what the parent  thought – what the parent worked out in their mind as the desired result – does not actually work?

And c’mon – spanking didn’t work on us either.  Look around you – look at all the people in this world – the majority of these people were spanked by their parents.  There is no respect here and it’s clear why: we were never taught Self-Respect. How can we respect others if we do not respect ourselves? The reality is that we’ve taught children fear, anger, and distrust – so, within this, the child becomes an adult with fear, anger, and distrust for others and themselves.  Just like us.

Parent or not, there is another pressing point which is the point of consequence.  When messages like this are shared it gives each other the permission to harm a child.  Yes, the message may have been about an act of ‘spanking’ and not all-out-beating, however, out of the 1,433,614 people that liked this, how many do we actually think are not harming nor have the potential of harming a child?  Will they see this message as the ‘go-ahead’?  What about the people that didn’t hit the ‘like’ button when the message was shared 457,953 times?  Who saw that?  What kind of mind is reading that?  Can we say with 100% certainty that a child is not going to be harmed because an adult got it in their mind that spanking a child is okay and teaches respect?  What if the spanking gets out of hand and the adult takes it further to the point of bruises, breaks, hospitalization, or even death?  What if the child does not show respect and the adult hits harder?  I mean, this stuff is really happening in this world and we cannot say, “It’s not my problem.” Because it is. We accepted it, we allowed it, this is our home, these are the people that we share our home with, and this is the home that our children are inheriting.  Why would we NOT make this our problem?

We tend to think that this is about us and only about us when it’s really not.  It’s about all of us and we must consider our responsibility to each other and assist and support each other to develop Self-Respect.  When we no longer accept and allow ourselves to be violated – in any way, including spanking – then we will no longer accept and allow the child or anyone else to be violated.  That’s REAL RESPECT.

Parent’s Responsibility To Stop Enslavement – Day 17

This blog is Part 1 of self-correction and self-commitment for self-forgiveness on Day 16, I Will Take Everything Away

When and as I see myself attempting to control a child’s behavior by any means necessary, including threatening to take away the things that the child values and/or sees as important, I stop and breath.  I realize that I am imposing my own acceptances and allowances, as a child and as a parent, on to this other child.  I realize that I am forcing the child to conform to my beliefs, imaginations, and what I have allowed to ‘make sense’ in my mind.  I also realize that I am rushing through and/or taking the easy way out of a situation that requires my attention and parental direction.

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to attempt to control a child’s behavior with threatening to take away the things that the child values and/or sees as important by instead breathing, not allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction, and directing the child to also breath, to understand the behavior and how the behavior may not be best, to work out solutions together that benefit everyone, come to an agreement on a solution, and then implement this solution.

When and as I see myself showing a child how to make a relationship connection to an object so that object becomes a source of comfort and happiness for the child, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that it is best to not encourage a child to create a relationship connection to an object – and it’s certainly not best to teach a child that something outside of themselves will make them happy and comforted.  What is best, however, is to teach a child to not require anything outside of themselves for happiness and comfort – and in doing so, I will teach the child self-support and assist them to not be influenced emotionally when/as/if there is a threat that the child’s objects will be taken away, the object breaks, or the object is worn out and unusable.

I commit myself to showing children that an object is simply an object that is here to be utilized for a specific purpose – if it’s a toy we play with it, if it’s a TV we watch it, if it’s a book we read it, if it’s a chair we sit in it, if it’s a cup we drink from it.  Within this, I commit myself to stand as an example by not reacting when an object I use is removed, breaks, and/or is worn-out/unusable – where, I breath and work out a plan to replace the object.

When and as I see myself considering acting in a way that would deliberately deprive a child of something that they value, I stop, I breath, and I do not go there.  Instead, I allow myself to use my imagination to place myself in the shoes of the child and ask myself: How do I experience myself when and as someone acts in a way that deliberately deprives me of something that I have placed value, is supportive for me and/or is something that I simply enjoy having?  As an adult, what do I see when myself or another is deliberately controlled by deprivation?

I commit myself to stop deliberately depriving children of something they value as to control the child by reminding myself that this enslaves a child and the product of this is a child that accepts enslavement and will grow into an adult that will be enslaved, enslaves others, and teaches their children how to enslave.

I Will Take Everything Away – Day 16

“When your child starts to misbehave, deprive him of something he values. “Take away his toys, take away his covers, take away his blanket,” Dr. Phil advises. “Whatever his currency is, he needs to know, When I do A, I lose B.’ Take it away, and he doesn’t see it again … Make a ceremony out of it. On Saturday, take it to the shelter and give it to the poor children.” Once you understand what your child values, and you control the currency, then you shape the child.” – Dr. Phil, Advice For Getting Your Child To Do Anything

Shock

Photographer Jill Greenberg’s latest exhibition, “End Times,” features children crying – like the child seen here in ‘Shock.’ The children are provoked by Greenberg taking away their candy or toys. This technique is known as “manipulation.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that a parent must have control of their child’s behavior – by any means necessary including threatening to take away the things the child values and/or the child sees as important.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I would like a child to be/behave.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my mind-imaginations on to a living, physical being – a child.  And in my attempt to make my imaginations real, I use any means necessary including taking away or threatening to take away real physical objects that a child plays with, interacts with, and enjoys.  In fact, I take away the things that I have encouraged the child to attach a relationship connection to.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to place myself in the shoes of the child.  How would I experience myself if someone outside of myself deliberately deprived me of something I have and value in order to control me and get me to do what they want?  This is blackmail.  This is enslavement. I am doing it and I am teaching the child to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other parents and children who aren’t demonstrating behaviors and/or discipline that is aligned with how I think they they should be.  When I pick people apart like this and have a dialogue with my self or others about this, I am doing it so that I can feel better about myself.  Yes, I bring others down so that I can be up.  See, most of the time I am judging myself harshly – comparing myself to others and seeing myself as inferior.  Instead of questioning why I do this, I continue to criticize myself and others up in my mind over-and-over-and-over again.  Even further, I do not question where these judgments came from and why I accepted them in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear, anger, frustration, and/or impatience when and as a child is not behaving as per my expectations.  I have allowed negative emotions to accumulate within and as me and have attempted to suppress/ignore the emotions rather than investigate, release, and change who I am throughout my daily experiences.  So, these little things that I do not deal with accumulate into things that are much bigger and because I have not taken responsibility for myself and refuse to do so, I blame how I am experiencing myself on the child that is apparently misbehaving, take it out on them, and expect the child to be stable for me so that I do not have to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed to see, realize, and understand that taking away what a child values – that which I have encouraged them to attach a relationship connection of happiness to – is evil.  It is abusive because it is deliberately manipulating and harming another for my own fear self-interests that I refuse to take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I have deliberately manipulated and harmed many others that I have or have had relationships with where I threaten to take away the things that are important, have meaning, and/or are of value to them.  And just as I attempt to control children and expect them to change so that I do not have to, I attempt to control others and expect them to change as per my unreal, imaginations in my mind that benefit me only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry with parents who are too harsh on their children and threaten to and/or actually take away the things that their children value as a way to control the child’s behavior.  In my mind, I wish ‘bad things’ on these parents and blame them for children’s problems and the problems in the world.  What I do not hear is that I am in-fact communicating to myself about myself: I do exactly the same thing and that I am angry with myself about it.  I do not hear this because I don’t want to and it’s easier to simply place my blame and project my anger on someone else rather than facing myself, taking responsibility for myself, and changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that by allowing myself to believe, follow, and enforce the taking away of a what a child values, which is their currency,  if they do not submit, is teaching the child to be completely controlled by money/currency/possessions.  I am raising the child to not allow themselves to express themselves, to not communicate what the problem is, to not work on solutions that all can agree upon, to be submissive, and integrate themselves into the system – or else — Or else their money, their currency, their possessions, and the other things that they value will be taken from them and they will have nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and enslaved by money, currency, and the things that I value that are obtained with money/currency.  Instead of questioning this control and enslavement and what events in my life lead to my acceptance and allowance of this control and enslavement via money/currency, I simply make sure that I follow the rules, do as I am told, and behave – I mean, as long as I’m being ‘good’ and am willing to work for it, I can have anything I want.  Within this, I am in no position to stand as an example for a young mind and I am certainly in no position to be responsible for that life because as long as I am influenced by my self-interested fears and enforcing my mind on my external reality, I cannot be trusted to make decisions that are best for the child or anyone else.

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

Here I am continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:  Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the time to understand my anger and to get it sorted out before I made the decision to have children.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously judge myself as irresponsible, unworthy, and as the worst possible kind of person because I did not consider the consequences of bringing a child into an unstable home. A result of this judgment is that I live in a constant and continuous state of guilt, remorse, and self-pity instead of standing, stopping, investigating myself, and taking a real self-honest look at the parent that I want to be and could be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will raise/teach/program my child to be violent, abusive, and a bully. Regardless of the fact that I have shown myself over-and-over again that my fears prevent nothing and that I end up manifesting what I’m fearing, I have continued to allow my fear to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to ignore my child when they ‘act out’ because I have allowed myself to believe that if I ignore bad behavior that the bad behavior will go away. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not pay attention to what I see as ‘not acceptable behavior’ then the bad behavior will stop. Regardless of the fact that I have seen and experienced that this does not work time-and-time again, I keep trying to use this ‘ignore the bad’ technique because I have placed myself in a position of seeing myself as lost, hopeless, and not knowing the best thing to do for the child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into the opposite polarity with my child when and as I see Good Behavior – when and as they show behavior that I like I will reward them with praise, physical demonstrations of love, and attention.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the consequences of myself moving from anger, to ignorance, to loving with my child where within this, I shift between personalities, confuse my child and attempt to keep them under control. The child often says to me, “You’re being mean.” “Aww. You’re back to being nice to me again.” Or, “Are you okay mom? What’s wrong?” I am sending them constant and continual conflicting ‘signals’ about who/what I am where who/what I am is unstable, having no solid stance, and reacting moment-by-moment to my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as an unstable, self-dishonest, and a reactive person onto my child where I see them as having a problem and being the problem instead of seeing that I am the problem and/or the cause of the problem and being honest with myself about this so that I will stop and change what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that a very young child sort out their anger when I, an adult, still have not sorted out mine. I have not allowed myself to place myself in the child’s shoes where, when I was young, I could easily pick-out where adults were telling me to do something that they were not doing themselves – and within this, I saw that the adults had no grounds to tell me, that they were ignorant, that they did not understand, and what they said could not be trusted. Instead of re-minding myself of this, I repeated the patterns of the adults in my life because it is easier to pawn off responsibility then to actually give how I would have liked to be given.