Allowing Myself to Care For and Serve Life – Day 13

In this post I am continuing with the  Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements from where I left off on How To Start Releasing Myself From Conflict – Day 12.

Photo: http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-259-give-happiness-get-happiness.html

When and as I see that I am acting on my fear of failure as a parent as indicated by me thinking, “I can’t be a good parent. I can’t do this. I won’t do this. I’m not good enough.” And by me going into the opposite polarity where I see that I have something to prove and so I push myself and I push my child – I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this creates a battle within myself and without with my child and keeps us from enjoying each other and our lives together here. The conflict and battles are unnecessary and change nothing. When and as other points within my fear of failure as a parent emerge, I self-forgive myself to release myself from the fear and instead of allowing us to live as I have been taught and/or how we have been living in the past, I look for the best possible ways for us to have a cool life together, apply, keep what is good and get rid of the bad.

I commit myself to stop accepting the thought, “I can’t be a good parent. I can’t do this. I won’t do this,” by reminding myself that this is a response to me trying to come up with a solution in my mind and within this because I do not have a solution readily available within my memory, I panic, and immediately define this not being aware, not being educated, and/or being a failure. Instead of allowing myself to give up, I say, “No. Stop. I will not give up,” and then move myself to get support and perspectives from others that may have a solution that I had not considered.

I commit myself to no longer ‘battle it out’ with my child by reminding myself that when and as I allow myself to do this, I am missing me, missing the child, missing an opportunity to improve our living and our time here together. And, again, as points come up that I see that I’m reacting to and battling within and as myself with, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application statements.

I commit myself to stop expressing and living the belief that this is ‘my life’ and that I must have ‘my time‘ – instead I by change my living to be an expression of myself in service to life with what time that I have here. To assist and support myself with this commitment to change, I use the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to remove/release my backchat and then self-correction and self-commitment as the ways that I must change in order to be a caring and humble human being.

When and as I see/feel/experience myself mentally and physically reacting to words, I breath and observe how this changes me from moment-to-moment so that I can ask for perspective, get support, and better understand the experience so that I can see where I require self-support.

I commit myself to stopping myself from reacting to my child and others Words by breathing, allowing myself to slow down so that I can identify the hows, whens, whys, and wheres of my reactions, and applying self-forgiveness.

Why Am I Reacting? – Day 5

In this post continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

Why Can’t I Get Being A Parent Right? – Day 4

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thoughts, “I can’t be a good parent. I can’t do this. I won’t do this. I’m not good enough,” to exist within and as me. I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have allowed these thoughts to integrate into and as me because of my fear of failure. Where, at the same time, I see myself as having something to prove and so I push myself and I push my child which keeps us both locked in a polarity battle – as I battle within, I battle without with my child. All the while that I’m busy battling within and without, I’m missing me, my child, my life, and our life together here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that battling with inside with myself and outside with my child has never been a solution – it changes nothing and does more harm than good. Instead of allowing myself to be here with myself and my child and finding out ways for us to live and express ourselves, I accept and allow myself to exist within reactive responses day-in-and-day-out. This is my ‘life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-and-over-again allow myself to experience and uncomfortableness with my child’s outbursts that I hear as loud and nerve grating. I also experience this uncomfortableness with many of the Words that they choose to express as who they are in that moment – when the child begins expressing backchat, I have a fear response as, “What if I allow this and they ‘slip up’ in front of one of my friends, an older family member, or someone that does not approve of swearing?” Again, I become angry at myself because I see myself as not bringing an acceptable representation of myself out into this world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the polarity trap I’ve created for within myself in-relation to how I allow my child to express themselves, where: One part of me would like to allow the child to swear/express whatever Words best describe how they are experiencing themselves/others and on the other side, I see that allowing a child to swear and express themselves is Wrong and only something that a Bad, irresponsible parent would allow. So, again, this adds additional fuel to my self-anger which I then project onto my child and attempt to make them change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest within the point of my child being loud, having outbursts, and swearing and then me telling myself that I fear what others will say/act-out/think as a reaction – here I am attempting to separate myself from my reactions to the noises and Words by lying to myself and saying, “It’s their fault my child cannot express themselves as they like,” when all the while it’s been me reacting and not wanting see/hear/experience my mind and mind-body uncomfortableness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that Words and certain ways that Words are expressed ‘play me like a fiddle’ – because of my separation from myself as I react, I did not notice this. I have been wholly controlled like a puppet on a string.

Why Can’t I Get Being A Parent Right? – Day 4

And continuing with writing self-forgiveness from my writing myself out on How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1.

Previous self-forgiveness writings are here:

Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2

What’s Causing This Instability? – Day 3

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt over-and-over-again in response to me telling myself that, “I’m doing this wrong. I’m going to mess this child up. I made the wrong decision to bring life into this world.” Because I fear that I have already made many mistakes that cannot be changed, that I’ve already screwed my child up, and that someday my child will see this and end up hating me and/or not wanting anything to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to, “I’m doing this wrong. I’m going to mess this child up. I made the wrong decision to bring life into this world. The mistakes I’ve made cannot be changed. I’ve already screwed my child up. Someday my child will see my mistakes and end up hating me and/or not want anything to do with me.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that these fears about losing my child or messing them up are not real – in that, these things may or may not happen but they are not here in the moment. And that when I allow these fears, I am allowing the reactions to the fears that lead to anger and then my unstable expression of anger. I have not allowed myself to consider: That if I let go of my fears of losing my child, that this will assist and support me with sorting out and/or stopping my mind anger possession.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that if I cannot raise a stable, ‘perfected’ child that I will be seen as a failure in the eyes of my fellow Destonians. I have not allowed myself to see that this is not a self-honest point because when I apply this to the support that has been given to me as well as shown via the blogs, vlogs, chats, assignments, the forum, and other group participation, the Destonians are doing the same as I am – taking responsibility for themselves – so, for me to tell myself that ‘they’re going to judge/hate/get rid of me’ makes NO SENSE – and by allowing this fear of failure/loss, I am allowing separation of myself from the group, myself, and the points that have the potential of accumulating into anger. From breath to breath, I have not allowed myself to walk within the decision to stop fear so that I can stop myself from being distracted by it and, instead, focusing my efforts here on developing myself so that I can realize my potential as a parent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself, “I can’t be a good parent. I can’t do this.” Or, “I can do this but I won’t because I don’t want to do what it takes.” I have not seen that great amount of self-anger this creates within and as me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not committing myself to raise a stable, educated, and caring human being. Instead of actually making the decision to raise my child in the best way possible, I run-away from the decision because if my thoughts are correct and I do mess up and am not successful, I can easily abdicate my responsibility within the process as, “Sorry. I guess I just didn’t commit myself as much as a should have.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself accountable for any mistakes within my application as a parent.