Allowing Myself to Care For and Serve Life – Day 13

In this post I am continuing with the  Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements from where I left off on How To Start Releasing Myself From Conflict – Day 12.


When and as I see that I am acting on my fear of failure as a parent as indicated by me thinking, “I can’t be a good parent. I can’t do this. I won’t do this. I’m not good enough.” And by me going into the opposite polarity where I see that I have something to prove and so I push myself and I push my child – I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this creates a battle within myself and without with my child and keeps us from enjoying each other and our lives together here. The conflict and battles are unnecessary and change nothing. When and as other points within my fear of failure as a parent emerge, I self-forgive myself to release myself from the fear and instead of allowing us to live as I have been taught and/or how we have been living in the past, I look for the best possible ways for us to have a cool life together, apply, keep what is good and get rid of the bad.

I commit myself to stop accepting the thought, “I can’t be a good parent. I can’t do this. I won’t do this,” by reminding myself that this is a response to me trying to come up with a solution in my mind and within this because I do not have a solution readily available within my memory, I panic, and immediately define this not being aware, not being educated, and/or being a failure. Instead of allowing myself to give up, I say, “No. Stop. I will not give up,” and then move myself to get support and perspectives from others that may have a solution that I had not considered.

I commit myself to no longer ‘battle it out’ with my child by reminding myself that when and as I allow myself to do this, I am missing me, missing the child, missing an opportunity to improve our living and our time here together. And, again, as points come up that I see that I’m reacting to and battling within and as myself with, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application statements.

I commit myself to stop expressing and living the belief that this is ‘my life’ and that I must have ‘my time‘ – instead I by change my living to be an expression of myself in service to life with what time that I have here. To assist and support myself with this commitment to change, I use the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to remove/release my backchat and then self-correction and self-commitment as the ways that I must change in order to be a caring and humble human being.

When and as I see/feel/experience myself mentally and physically reacting to words, I breath and observe how this changes me from moment-to-moment so that I can ask for perspective, get support, and better understand the experience so that I can see where I require self-support.

I commit myself to stopping myself from reacting to my child and others Words by breathing, allowing myself to slow down so that I can identify the hows, whens, whys, and wheres of my reactions, and applying self-forgiveness.


How To Stop Parental Guilt – Day 10

Here continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements from How To Prevent Myself From Getting Angry At My Child – Day 8 and How To Stop Beating Up On Myself – Day 9

See How Do I Control My Anger? – Day 1 for the Writing Myself Out part of this point and Why Do I Get So Irritated? – Day 2 through War Within War Without – Day 7 for my Self-Forgiveness process.

When and as I see that I am judging as an irresponsible, unworthy, and the worst possible person because I did not consider the consequences of bringing another child into this world, I stop. Instead of participating in these thoughts, I assist and support myself to release myself from such judgments with self-forgiveness so that I no longer place myself in this continuous cycle of guilt, remorse, and self-pity and thus can really investigate and apply ways to be a responsible, worthy, and best parent possible.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that ‘I screwed up’ and other nastiness about myself having a child before I was able to get myself stable by reminding myself that I cannot change the consequence of my decisions, including having children, and within this, no longer accept and allow myself to get caught up in this where I instead look at, test, and practice ways to best take care of a child, a family, and myself.

When and as I see that I am fearing raising, teaching, programming a child to be violent, abusive, and a bully, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that fearing raising, teaching, programming a child to be violent, abusive and a bully has changed nothing – this fear has not stopped me from doing any of this as I have directly taught them that being violent, abusive, and a bully is okay. Instead of allowing myself to participate in and be directed by this one fear in a given moment, I stop, remind myself that this fear exists only in my mind, self-forgive myself for the points that come up, and walk the correction.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow my fear of how I could negatively raise, teach, and or program a child to be and within this, no longer accepting and allowing this fear to direct my decisions about what is best for a child, a family, the world, and a child’s future participation in the world. When and as these fears that I will turn a child violent, abusive, and/or a bully emerge, I assist and support myself with self-forgiveness and then look at, investigate, and/or get support for ways to prevent the child from the abusive living that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself, my relationships, and my world. Additionally, I remind myself that as I change to no longer accepting and allowing abuse that I will assist and support the child to do the same. It’s a win-win.

When and as I see that I’m attempting to pretend to ignore a child or anyone else when they ‘act out’, I breath and bring myself back to here where I am present and here for support if needed. I see, realize, and understand that ignoring the problem/behavior leads to and/or places me in an experience of lost-ness, hopelessness, and not pushing myself to figure out solutions and ways to support a child that are best.

I commit myself to no longer ignore and/or pretend to ignore what it is that I want to ‘go away’ by allowing myself to face it – even though what I’m seeing is ‘bad’ and by my mind interpretation, should not be. This applies to how I handle a child’s ‘bad/non-acceptable behavior’ in that I no longer accept and allow myself to ignore and/or pretend to ignore what I see as ‘bad/non-acceptable behavior’ within the hope that it will ‘go away’. I remind myself that I must see and understand the problem, the bad, the non-acceptable if/when/as I am able to come up with workable solutions so that problems, the bad, and the non-acceptable no longer continue to persist.

Within this, I commit myself to investigating what I’m seeing as bad, removing the reactions with the tools of writing and self-forgiveness, and testing/practicing solutions for what I find is best to no longer exist.

The Wellchild Visit

This past week, my 5-year-old son went to the doctor’s office for his ‘Wellchild Visit’.  When we got in the room, they gave us a book – which must be a requirement for our state because each time we have one of these ‘Wellchild Visits’, they hand us a book.

During this visit, our medical care-giver tested my child to make certain that he had ‘basic skills’ for his specific age group such as counting to 10, color recognition, recitation of ABC’s, familiarity with brushing teeth, etc.  Also, at this ‘visit’, they give the child a series of vaccinations.  My child did fine up until the mention of getting ‘shots’ and then he panicked.

Wellchild Visit Vaccine Schedule

First, he worked on reasoning with us adults as he said, “Nah.  I don’t need any shots today.  I’m fine.”  When we told him that the vaccinations were a way of protecting him from diseases in the world that could make him sick or harm him, he said, “I don’t need to worry about that.”

And after our medical care-giver left the room, my son said, “C’mon, mom.  Let’s go.  We’re leaving.”  I explained that we’d be staying and that it was best if we get this done now, be done with it, move on with our day, and go on an adventure to the toy store.  He accepted this.

So, we waited for the nurses to come into the room and give my son his vaccinations. And waited.  And waited. AND WAITED … both my son and I were getting annoyed because we’d agreed to a plan of getting this over and getting on with life – and yet, for the next 20 minutes to a half-hour, they had my 5-year-old in anticipation of the pain to come – which was torturous for him.  I read him a few stories out of the book they gave us which assisted but he was struggling to remain stable.  He started to play with the ‘spinning’ trash can lid in the room, pinched his finger in it and started screaming, crying, and jumping around.  I assisted him in working through the pain with breathing and he calmed down after a few moments.

Two nurses arrived with 4 needles – one for each vaccination.  My son went into a ‘fight-or-fight’ response and started screaming, crying, reaching for his jacket, and backing himself up to the door.  I breathed.  I did not react.  I kept my voice stable and delivered the same message: Let’s get this done so that we can get on with the rest of our day and have an adventure.

After repeating this 4 or 5 times and not changing, he stopped and came over to where I was sitting on the examination table.  He got up in my lap and I wrapped my arms around him.  The nurses gave him a choice of where to have his shots – in his arms or in his legs – he chose his legs.  So, I assisted him with removing his pants and the two nurses gave him two shots in each leg.  It was painful.  It was not cool.  We breathed through the pain.

His legs ‘stung’ and he could not walk after the shots.  We waited until some of the stinging went away.  He pushed.  And eventually we got his clothes back on him and left.  Throughout the toy store, he struggled with the pain – and he breathed through each ‘wave’ of pain.  He decided to purchase a game that he could play with his dad.  We came home.  He curled up on the couch and played with his dad.

Two hours later… My son could not walk at all.  He kept breathing.  And at 12:00 AM, he was crying and moaning because he was in pain and could not get comfortable to sleep.  He would ask me to come into his room and move his body because he could not. This pain and not being able to walk lasted well into the next day.

So yeah.  I’m outraged.  Why … in 2012 are medical practitioners -still- subjecting children to this kind of pain?  And why are they giving our children MORE shots?  When my daughter was my son’s age, she would get one or two shots.  But he got 4 …

In my imagination, we ought to be giving vaccinations ‘Star Trek’-style by now where a doctor presses a metal thing to our skin, presses a button, a ‘puff’ is heard, and a pain-free administration of a drug is given.

Star Trek ‘Jet Injector’ made a reality at MIT where they invented a painless, programmable hyperspray.

But we’re not getting anywhere.  Why would we?  Truth is, we’re killing kids everyday – we don’t care.  In-fact, the way we see it is: Be grateful to have the vaccinations – you’re lucky to be getting them at all.

In an Equal Money System, all beings will be given prevention and protection from the diseases in our current environments.  Additionally, I see us investigating ways of administering disease prevention and protection that do not cause trauma or disability to our physical bodies as this is a point of real caring.  For our children, not reacting, practicing breathing, and bringing the child’s attention ‘elsewhere’ assists in the young mind not making a future character/personality and/or fear connection to ‘Shots’ – however, it does not assist us parents in establishing a relationship of trust with our children and it does not assist the child in establishing a relationship of trust with those that are supposedly ‘taking care’ of their bodies.  Further, this sort of pain at this age moves the child to DISTRUST and SEPARATE themselves from their bodies.

Pain is not cool.  And it’s really screwed up that we try to come up with justifications for pain, like, “Pain lets you know you’re alive.”

This is what we’ve come to … getting the ‘knowledge’ that we’re ‘alive’ from pain.  We do not see that the only true show of being a life is with each moment of every breath.

So. Pain it is. It’s real sad that this is what life has come to – and even more sad that we’re passing this on to our children so that they can survive in this pain. It makes less-and-less sense to me each day why, practically here, we ever allowed it to get this far.  And why do we keep bringing children into this? Really?  I mean, if they’re not getting shot at school, they’re guaranteed to get a ‘shot’ at the doctors office.  And do we really know what that needle is loaded with? Seriously, there was something nasty enough in there to disable my 5-year-old for close to 24 hours.

Again, suggest to support an Equal Money System, parents – let’s support all the children, support the research, and show, for the first time ever in history, that we can be trusted with the lives we’ve given and been given.

Let’s just get this done and get on with an adventure.